The Aging Cell Phone in Your Junk Drawer Is Ready to Reunite
I remember when you nervously called your ‘rents at your first “real party” because someone offered you a sip of Mike’s Hard Lemonade.
Tag: Satire and Parody
Texts Sent over Two Days from the Bellvue County History Club to Their Volunteer Writer
Henry has been doing our newsletter since 1986. He’s a little set in his ways, but we love him.
The Wedding Countdown for the Couple You Vaguely Knew in College Starts Now
Please donate to give this very solidly upper-middle-class couple their dream honeymoon. These kids (they’re 34) deserve the best.
Last Night I Dreamt All People Joined Hands in Peace with My Old Gym Teacher
People of all nations, races, and creeds forgot their differences and grabbed hands with, randomly, my middle school gym teacher. But it totally felt normal that she was there, if that makes any sense?
Parents, Unfortunately We Are Disbanding Our School’s Curling Team
Mr. Jensen has not won eight gold medals in curling. In fact, it’s unclear whether or not Mr. Jensen has even seen curling before.
Please Enjoy Our Company Lunch of Not Pizza
I just thought it would be fun to spice things up this time—literally in the case of that ominously bubbling aluminum tray at the end of the row!
Diagraming Your Perfectly Pleasant Post-Interview Email Back to Me
“Thanks for taking the time to meet.” Alright, I see. I took the time to meet. I did you a favor, huh.
In Our Defense, When We Started Naming the Layers of the Ocean, We Didn’t Know How Much There Was
Wow, coral, fish, AND crabs—sounds biodiverse as hell. Whatcha gonna call it? The… “sunlight zone”?
Effective Immediately, We Are Cancelling Our Mentor-Manatee Program
We are especially pleased to announce that one of our program participants was named one of “30 Under 30 Feet of Water.” (Best of luck, Bubbles!)
Our Neighborhood Watch Is Just a Guy Holding a Plastic Bag Watching Women Parallel Park
We dispatch a man with a plastic bag (full of loose Arizona iced teas) to stare at her so hard she gets the dry sweats.
Coping with Your Acquaintance’s Divorce
If your therapist asks you whether Jason is your father, calmly explain that he’s your college friend’s old roommate.
Dueling Tips from a Veteran Duelist
Judicial combat is a seminal moment and, with a record of 22-0 (humans) and 1-1 (trumpeter swan, with rematch), you’ve come to the right person for advice!