Our New Corporate Cybersecurity Rollout Protects Your Computer by Rendering It Completely Inaccessible to You
Once your laptop reboots, please use the following case-sensitive password to log in: MyNameIsToddAndImAFuckingIdiot
Tag: Satire and Parody
Just Because We Don’t Agree on Everything Doesn’t Mean I, Harry Potter, Can’t Still Be Friends with Lord Voldemort
And believe me, I get it. I, of all people, know that Lord Voldemort’s beliefs go against pretty much everything I stand for.
A Word from the Guy Who Shouted “Woo!” during the Guitar Solo of Eric Clapton’s “Layla” Unplugged
Most of the rubes don’t figure out it’s a cover until the vocals come in, at which point everyone cheers like an idiot and I let out a huge scoff.
A Letter to the Four Jars of Moldy Salsa Found at the Back of My Fridge
I hope that you will find comfort that while you are headed to the great serving bowl in the sky, your work on Earth will not be forgotten.
Don’t Even Think About Surgically Replacing Your Face with That of the Man Who Killed Your Son Without Buying My “Art of Speedboat Combat” DVD Box Set
Once you've put on his face, the propellers are in motion--in two days you'll be in a high-octane boat chase with the man who shot your beautiful boy.
Yet Another Democratic Debate Drinking Game
If Andrew Yang offers to give away more money at random, go ahead and make a pitcher of margaritas.
So You Bought a Time Machine
Unfortunately, the use of our XR line to assist in a murder of anyone is strictly prohibited.
I’m a Proudly Ambitious Burmese Python, but I Think I’ve Made a Huge Mistake
It is so very, very stuck. Goddamnit, Frank. Goddamnit. You just had to eat the whole thing, didn’t you? You know better than to try shit like this.
My Mid-Flight Roast of Our Pilot Was Ruined When the Air Marshal Heckled Me
When the captain misspoke and said “tur-buh-lence,” instead of “turbulence,” I was like a shark smelling blood in the water.
The Public Bike Repair Creators Bring You Other Equally Useful Fix-It Stations
Public Father-Son Relationship Repair Stations: A stern daddy figure who’s really a teddy bear is waiting to surprise you with a big, warm hug.
Greetings from Small, Tiny, Little Asian Girl
I’m not actually Chinese but, as Chinese is the official language of all of Asia and being Asian, means I’m Chinese. I see you are quite cultured, sir.
We Will Be Holding Another Bikini Car Wash to Raise Money for All the Horny Boys Who Bit Their Index Finger Knuckles off during the Last Bikini Car Wash
I know what you're thinking: how do you think holding another bikini car wash is appropriate when we haven’t cleaned up the blood from the last one?