3 Ways to Die with Dignity While Choking on an Old Band-Aid in a Victoria’s Secret
If you’ve timed it right, you will be dead before you hit the floor. Your death will look like that of a hero defending the store from a shoplifter.
Tag: Satire and Parody
Can I Help the Next Person in Line at the Department of Breakups?
We ask that you fill out all forms in pencil for this very reason; your forms are illegible because the ink has run everywhere due to your tears.
It’s My Birthday Year!
QUARTER-BIRTHDAY: We'll kick things off with a low-key brunch nine months in advance of my birthday.
An Apology for Not Drinking at the Party Last Night
Waking up this morning without a hangover was a total bummer, and I fully regret making a conscious decision to do so.
Manifesto of the Streamable Content Commune
The Streamable Content Commune is a community dedicated to subverting this oppressive system by bringing together people who share values & passwords.
Move Over Avocado, It’s the Durian Fruit’s Time to Shine
The Durian fruit is the record-holding “smelliest fruit in the world." Now you tell me, what records does the avocado hold? That’s right, none.
Welcome to the Mundane Terror of Your Day in Court
Is this real life? This lawsuit has consumed your mind, your nerves, your days, your marriage for the better part of four years.
Welcome to Our Cell Phone-Free Restaurant!
We used to have lights, but we found that they reminded people way too much of their cell phone screens, so we got rid of them.
Five Binge-Worthy Shows That Will Help You Forget You are Wasting Your Summer
"Stranger Things": This coming of age sci-fi romp will take you back to a time when you could actually enjoy summer.
A Plea to Raise the Millennial Stay Ceiling
It appears you believe I am actually leaving in a few days. This is not accurate. These ceiling deals are always a bit of a work in progress.
I’m a Foot in a Quentin Tarantino Film and I’ll Have You Know I Received an MFA from RADA
You may have seen my great uncle play the severed hand in the original Addams Family or my grandmother play the Wicked Witch of the East.
A Bank Security Guard’s Inner Monologue as a Nearby Street Musician Performs Hall & Oates’ Greatest Hits
Wait a minute, if this busker is singing “Private Eyes” again, that means that he’s starting his repertoire again from the top.