Satire and Parody | Page 194

Tag: Satire and Parody

We care about your wellbeing because we don’t need your fat ass jacking up our healthcare costs.

I don’t fix my issues, but I hide them under a thin sheet of functionality that I quickly whip off with the flair of a flamboyant Las Vegas magician.

Instead of saying “Yes, would you be available on Friday?”, I accidentally replied, “You’re a disgusting pig, your entire existence is meaningless.”

I thought space was going to be the most romantic time of our 10-month relationship. That’s why I got three new rompers and a bikini wax.

Now I heard you’re even talking about me in therapy? I was hoping you’d move on by now, since you’re in your mid-thirties and all.

Q; What happened to Leonard? A: Leonard was catapulted through a vibrating and glowing door frame into a space between dimensions.

Despite his many attempts, your ex will never so much as FaceTime with Mia, because her iPhone “can’t take calls outside the Pacific Time Zone.”

Cover letters ARE required. But we will not be reading them. Never read a cover letter. This will only complicate your decision-making process.

All Hands on Dick, a film that French director Georges Méliès called, “The most stimulating cinematic treasure since my The Conquest of the Pole.”

You: Uber, why are we taking Broadway? Uber: We are briefly stopping at your ex-girlfriend Karen’s house on the way. You two need to talk…

Cheryl senses my sadness/frustration/anger/anything-cry-worthy-even-if-it’s-just-a-movie and will suddenly be on my doorstep with brownies in hand.

Dear Joan, I looked up your name on LinkedIn---because that’s how much I care about this job. I seriously need you to hire me.