This Year’s Best Picture Nominees Ranked by How Much My Son Resents My New Girlfriend
When my girlfriend tried to talk with my son, he kept referring to her as “replacement mommy” while jumping up and down pretending to be Peter Rabbit.
Tag: Satire and Parody
My Mother Watches the Oscars With Me
Oh, Christian Bale, nominated for playing a 60-year-old man with a potbelly who only thinks about himself. Your father could have played that role.
Teen Magazine Quizzes for Adults
Which teen heartthrob is the spitting image of someone you went to high school with but you can’t place? He definitely looks like someone… but who?
Republicans Deliver Thoughts and Prayers
From: Mike Pence Gracious Lord White Jesus, thank you for Chick-Fil-A. A family-friendly chicken restaurant that never uses the word “brea*t.”
Season 87 Recap: This May Be My Last Recap for a While
I went back to episode 8 in season 32: Watch Cormorant’s face when Mandeep finds Bumbalini’s pre-IPO filing. I watched it 18 times.
Bill: You Have 13 Unread Emails from Change.org, Answer Them Right Now
(12/16/18 --- 10:46 AM) Bill-- 6-year-old Johnny Casin has some serious dirt on your ex-wife, Brittany.
I’m the World’s Deadliest Assassin But Also a Virgin By Choice
I believe in one form of penetration -- my knife stabbing. I believe in one form of protection --killing anyone who knows my true identity.
Join the Gentleman’s Club
A quick moment to describe my surroundings: Chateau Gentleman is a leathery affair. Everything you could possibly imagine could be embroidered is so.
Rules for a Silicon Valley High School Dance in 2029
Students are not to ask the Steve Jobs hologram any questions pertaining to how much he actually did at Apple as opposed to the engineers.
Major Strasser of the Third Reich Trashes Rick’s Cafe on Yelp
My men and I were subjected to the cruelest act of bullying the world has ever seen, simply because we were singing songs of the Fatherland.
Bring Unto Me Now This Kingly Delight!
Fetch this bar of chocolate that would serve two or three of my adoring subjects, but which I will eat entirely by mine own self, as is my right.
When It Comes to Waiting, I’m a Natural
I never look to see if the bus or train is coming. I never push the button more than once on elevators or at crosswalks.