If You Can’t Beat Rainbow Road in Mario Kart, Don’t Bother Texting Me Back
And I don't want to keep harping on the past, but there were a few times when you couldn’t even finish the race. It's embarrassing.
Tag: Satire and Parody
I’m Seven Years Old and You, Kid’s Cuisine, Are My Girlfriend
My word. Two penguin stickers here on your side. One surfing. One playing in the sand on the beach. Tells quite a story doesn’t it?
Bob Mueller Can’t Tell Anybody He Completed “Twisted Metal 2” in Record Time
I really can't tell anybody this part but I doubt I will ever feel a pride as strong as when I watched Minion explode in front of Mr. Grimm's bike.
Some of the Ways I Have Prevented George R.R. Martin From Finishing “The Winds of Winter”
One time I told him I heard a rumor that there was a dead body in the woods and invited him on a hike to see if it was true.
My [24m] Girlfriend [24f] is Leaving Me for a Brooklyn Alternative Comic [40fuckingloser]
He just pretended to make a phone call where he was trying to return a Blockbuster VHS, for twenty minutes. My girlfriend was laughing so hard.
Bergman’s of Sweden: The Existential Diner
Look in vain for a menu, it is torn and stained with tears. There are no specials, ever, only monotonous offerings of tasteless food.
The Trump Steaks Government Shutdown Special
There’s never been a better time to get our signature cuts of Flank, lower case T-Bone, Z-Bone, Subprime, Sphincter, Roadkill, and, of course, Okja.
I’m Marie Fucking Kondo and You Can Keep All Your Fucking Books, You Ingrates
When I said I personally liked having 30 books in my house, I meant it because that's what I like. It was a fucking suggestion, not a threat.
Is Your Aunt Peggy Paparazzi or Is She Just a Monster?
3) What did you get Aunt Peggy for Christmas? a. A big box of steering clear. b. Well, she would have wanted me to get myself something nice.
The Wall Leaves a Series of Voicemails for President Trump
I get it. You're not really interested in me. I'm just an object you can show off to your friends. "Ooh look, I'm Donald Trump and I have a big wall!"
The Universe Tells Me
I doubt it would cook up an abundance of hate to overpower the abundance of love. It would be so not like the universe to fuck with abundance.
Victorian Courtship Etiquette That I, A Millennial Male, Am In Favor of Rekindling
Going for a Chaperoned Walk: Change this to a Chaperoned Bike Ride. I build fixed-gear bikes for disadvantaged seeing-eye dogs in my spare time.