How I Failed at Being a Gilmore Girl
Thanks to my newly acquired need for a speed supplier, I finally found my bad-boy boyfriend. He also cooked meth on the side and almost blew me up once or twice while I was asleep.
Tag: Satire and Parody
Your #MeToo “Apology” for Yom Kippur Has Been Rejected
If your apology statement ends with a pastry recipe, please expect an automatic rejection. Do not include a recipe for pizza dough cinnamon rolls.
How to Make an Atom Bomb While Your Roommates Are Out of Town
Use a plastic spatula to separate the heavier U-238 isotopes on the outside from the lighter, fluffier U-235 isotopes in the center.
A Massive Storm is Barreling Down on my Family and Conversation with Them Has Never Been Easier
This storm has brought my brother out of the bomb shelter to face his family to then grab them and bring them back into the bomb shelter.
Don’t Blame Me, Blame the Stars!
I mean who hasn’t punched their roommate’s mother because Saturn was in Cancer? I'm not sure how else anyone would have expected me to act.
I Read Your Guidelines, But I’m Submitting This Piece That Clearly Isn’t a Fit for Your Publication Because, Well, Just Read It and You’ll See Why
It's basically the best thing since Gravity's Rainbow. Think of it sort of as Infinite Jest but more like Pirates of the Caribbean and with robots.
There’s Nothing Quite Like Traveling Abroad and Soaking In All the Rich, Authentic Poverty
My wife and I love experiencing the unfamiliar, like state-sanctioned killings, nationwide poverty, or kooky cheeses.
You’re Upset I Broke Into Your House and Stole a Bunch of Your Shit—Don’t Worry, I’m Donating Everything to Goodwill
And yes, before you ask, this is the best I could come up with---I mean, what was supposed to do? Not break into your house and steal a bunch of shit?
What Your Favorite Type of Apple Says About You
Jonagold: You really want to ask your boss for a raise, but every time you think about doing it, you throw up a little in your mouth. Maybe next year.
Writer’s Block Busted! Political Speechwriters Edition
The first step, of course, is to avoid mirrors. This is essential if you are to eliminate the risk of looking yourself in the eye.
Emails Between God and His IT Guy
Don’t worry, Big Man, we’ll figure this out. (By the way, You really should come downstairs to level 5 to get a cupcake!)
Superheroes in the Millennial Legion
As Acai City’s newest hero, Millennial Girl is committed to protecting and serving all citizens born between 1981 and 1998.