Assembly Instructions for a Bullshit Thing You Didn’t Need Anyway
Do not assemble in a wet location. Do not assemble at altitudes lower than two thousand (2000) miles below sea level. Do not assemble in a sea.
Tag: Satire and Parody
Terms and Conditions for the Use of This Software
We reserve the right to reserve the very best table at the most expensive restaurant in your surrounding area and to charge it to your credit card.
Realistic Financial Goals By Age 35
Relationships are about one thing, and one thing only: affordable housing. Find someone who doesn’t smell too bad and lock it down.
Open Letter to the Guy I’ve Been Dating in My Mind for 18 Months
I asked you on a date in my head and pretend-you said yes. This confirmed it; you are a kind-hearted guy who can see the potential in me.
Passive-Aggressive Storm Predictions
Let’s take a look at our international weather for all you lucky ducks who’re able to afford trips without forgoing health care for two months.
God Sends Hate Mail to Mike Pence
As a result of that whole "free will" blunder, any direct divine intervention is off the table. We did, however, agree to a compromise arrangement.
Important Change to Your Amazing Prime Membership
We are, however, committed to making you feel like you are a premium customer.
A Letter to Jordan Peterson from Lobsters
We’d like to pinch some sense into you with our deadly pincers, but we fear that this will only make you reach some new, unfathomably stupid conclusion.
Other New Policies Recently Approved By NFL Owners
Players who take, like, 20 napkins and then use, like, just two napkins and throw away the other 18 will be ejected from the game.
I’m Sorry, I Won’t Make a Cake for Your Gay Wedding, Because This is an OshKosh B’Gosh
All I can offer you is 60% off all denim-wear. So yous can getcha some toddler overalls or some jeans for any little tikes yous two may know of.
I Can’t Get Rid of the Sunglasses That Make Me See How Everyone Will Die Because the Cashier at 7-Eleven Complimented Them
What if I get a new pair and instead of being bitchin’ as hell, they are just bitchin’? Or worse: not bitchin’ at all.
Dear Honorable Lord Hiring Manager, With Love and Respect
I have reduced stress by limiting my mental breakdown to three times a week. You would never guess that I've stress vomited in every campus bathroom!