This Date Isn’t Going So Great, So I’ll Pretend I’m In the NHL Playoffs
I don’t know if you’re feeling it watching from up there in the studio but down here on the ice, you can just feel the absence of emotion and energy.
Tag: Satire and Parody
Advice From One Mad Scientist to Another: Don’t Open That Interdimensional Gateway
I’m not quite sure how to begin but I know too well how it ends: with tendrily monsters eating your loved ones.
I Know, I Know, I’m the Last Roman in the Republic Who Hasn’t Seen the New Gladiator Show
Hark, I get it. Carpophorus is reinventing the very genre of public violence. I just don’t have time to get into the King of Beasts right now, okay?
We Have Created a Computer That Can Feel Love, But Unfortunately It Sucks at Chess
When we look at Campbell's emotionally advanced AI, all we see is a faulty machine with a short attention span that never brings its knights out.
Your Mission, Should You Choose to Accept It, Is to Get My Stepson Keith to Stop Yelling “You’ve Got That Silly Putty Dick” at Me
You’re the best goddamned spy we’ve got in the service, but the day you TRULY become a spy is the day you get my stepson to show me some respect.
I’m the King-Shit of Comedy and I’m Going to Absolutely Ruin This Substitute Teacher
Listen up, shitsticks: all you open-mic wannabes better take notes from the best comedian Channelside Elementary School has to offer.
Unmailed Greeting Cards for My Therapist
Do you think I’m a nice person? Do you think I’m full of rage? Crap, I’m turning my apology into a plea for validation. I hate when I do that.
An Open Letter to Greedy Los Angeles Homeowners
We are keen to invest three decades of savings into your property and excited to put in our offer after looking for the perfect teardown for so long.
Open Letter from a White Gay
Did you assume it was easy for all of us to bleach our hair two months after coming out? No. But we all did it. Every single one of us.
The Many Phones of Michael Cohen
7. Michael Cohen calls his tailors with this phone. When ordering suits he tends to use the phrase “make someone notice me, please.”
An Open Letter to the Adult Man in Target Who Decided He Didn’t Want Keebler’s Coconut Dreams
As I picked up the box of cookies, I imagined a world where everyone thought it was okay to leave items they didn’t want anymore wherever they please.
We’re Recruiting for Our Libertarian Utopia!
We had a few incidents in which some misused their legally acquired, weaponized smallpox strains, but that's a small price to pay for freedom.