I’d Love to Get Eaten
If I got eaten, nobody would be sour on me anymore. They’d use words like “valiant” to describe my life and valiant death.
Tag: Satire and Parody
I’m Sorry I Blocked You On Facebook But I’d Like to Continue Sleeping Together
I don't see why we can’t continue to to do sex even though I’ve terminated our Facebook friendship. After all, it’s called "friends with benefits," not "Facebook friends with benefits."
Help! I’m Trying to Find a Dubstep Version of the Musical “Wicked,” But Every Time I Google “Wicked Dubstep” I Just Get Really Badass Dubstep
Dear Broadway.com, sorry to bother you, but I’ve got a serious problem. Every time I Google the phrase “Wicked dubstep” I just get a bunch of awesome dubstep songs.
You’d Play Golf Too If You Were Trying to Ignore the Suffering of Millions of People
Get lots of bad press for golf, bad, but you’d spend most of your time golfing too if you were trying to distract yourself from everyone’s problems.
How I Quit My Mundane Life and Traveled the World with Nothing But a Passport, a Smile, and $47.5M in My Trust Fund
Fans are always writing me with the same question: “Liza, I’ve always wanted to travel the world and live an adventurous life like you do on your blog, but how do I do it?”
Short But Spooktacular: 13 Terrifying Six-Word Stories That All Begin With the Phrase “The Scarecrow Was In The”
Are you ready to get spooked? Have you ever even HEARD of a scarecrow in the submarine?!
Steve Bannon’s Deconstructed Chicken Pot Pie Recipe
It takes 35 minutes to prepare but deconstructs the dinner party in mere seconds, allowing you to restore the cultural and economic sanctity of your home forever.
21 Most Annoying Things About Alien Takeover of Earth
Just when the Facebook notifications about all your friends laying eggs finally slow to a trickle, here come the fucking baby pics of gelatinous larvae.
Teaching My First Class at Caveman High
I didn't choose to be transported to a pre-historic age, but I did choose to become the teacher of the cavemen and women once I got there. No Neanderthal left behind!
6 Venmo Requests to Send a Guy After a First Date
Amount: $40 Message: "Marketing fees associated with me blogging about this date." Rationale: He’s a weirdo, and weirdos need to be blogged about.
Kim Jong Un’s Inspiring Halftime Speech After a Failed Missile Test
"You really think you deserve to destroy America after a test like that? My father and grandfather are rolling in their graves right now at the thought."
Can Trump Stop Dominating the News So I Can Finally Do My Segment on Guinea Pigs? By John Oliver
I didn't come all the way from England and finally get my own HBO program only to rant about an orange devil destroying our planet each week. I came to talk about guinea pigs.