Statistically Speaking, Most Accidents Happen in the Home… My Home
Just last Thursday I was entertaining over 50,000 guests at my bi-weekly “Salute to Bear Traps,” which was meant to be just a fun, casual, and accident-free celebration. Oops.
Tag: Satire and Parody
Guys, Here’s What Your Dating Profile Should Really Look Like
A brutally honest portrait of the man you may or may not actually want to date. Warning: includes thoughts on masturbation.
You’re My Boyfriend Now, It’s Squatters Rights
Hey Ted, I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but we are legally in a relationship now, according to my squatters rights as applicable to relationships in the State of California.
King Kong Will Ultimately Be Responsible for a Real-Life Planet of the Apes
It's hard to know whether King Kong would have wanted this war to occur. But he alone will be ultimately responsible for causing all apes to unite under one banner and revolt.
God Closes So Many Doors Because He Enjoys Watching People Crawl Out of Windows
Why would God deprive us of so many great opportunities, only to subsequently offer us lesser paths to success? Why would He do that? Perhaps there's an easier explanation.
Will Someone Please Sleep With My Son?
My son is sick, and he needs your help. You see, there is only one way to cure him of the disease known as virginity: you must have sex with him.
Do You Have the Security Clearance Required to Tell Rob Gronkowski the Real Truth About the Centauri UFO Landing of 1966?
Have you received unexpected pizza deliveries with notes attached: "Tell Rob Gronkowski and you’ll be sorry"? If so, you have the necessary clearance.
If Oprah and Kanye are Running for President, Then Adam Duritz, Lead Singer of the Counting Crows, Should Run Too (by Adam Duritz)
Here are just a few of the many ways that I, Adam Duritz, lead singer of the Counting Crows, am equipped to run for president of the United States.
Help! My Son is Dating a Calvinist, and I Don’t Want Our Unrelated Family Ban on Dancing to Seem Like Pandering
My son is dating a Calvinist and there’s just no way in hell she isn’t going to think our family’s unrelated ban on dancing is anything but blatant pandering.
Honey Boo Boo’s White House Intern Application
Like you, Mr. President, I'll do whatever it takes to win. Have you seen the footage of my landslide victory at the watermelon eating contest?
Darth Vader Tries Speed Dating
Why are you in a black bodysuit again? And what's up with that helmet? Why do you wear a mask anyway, Mr. Mystery?
White House Announces Grand Opening of Camp Trump
Do you feel out of step with the rest of the country? Are you still clinging to those liberal values of human rights and free speech? We can help!