Not Such a Bad Guy: Steve Bannon Holds a Beautiful Vigil for Every Puppy He Kills
For every young gazelle killed by a lion for food, a puppy, too, must also be sacrificially exsanguinated by Steve Bannon to the Dark King of Babylon.
Tag: Satire and Parody
Now Let Me Be Clear, I Don’t Let Just Anyone Suck Me Off
I have standards, and I hold myself in high regard when it comes to the ethics of who's going to spit shine my three wood.
If I’m Anti-Semitic, Why’d I Make Jared Kushner Senior Economic and Media Adviser?
The Jews are so good, they almost remind me of myself. Always dealing. So I keep Jared right next to me. Keeping an eye on him.
My Illustrious Time in a Maximum Security Prison (Thus Far)
In just three days in prison I've learned so much, made and lost friends, gained literal and emotional scars, and grown as a person. These next 728 days should be a breeze.
The Real Reason Why You Absolutely Must Cover Your Mouth When You Yawn
I'll lay it down for you real quick: the secret reason why you need to cover your mouth when you yawn is a spooky, ghoulish man named Poppin' Pete.
Please Stop Making the Ice Age Movies: An Open Letter to the Studio from Scrat
Though I may only be a tiny, saber-tooth squirrel, I beg you, hear my squeaky voice. I am tired and broken, and I miss my family. Don't do this to me again.
Evite to Kim Jong-Un’s Birthday Party
As you guys know, our friend, companion, Supreme Autocrat, and dynamite singer Kim Jong-Un is having a birthday in a few weeks. What are you guys' thoughts on a party?
An Open Letter to My Niece About Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived to Kill
While it may not make for polite conversation on Christmas morning, it’s important nonetheless that you understand, Harry Potter is a degenerate psychopath.
When Our Lord Returns, Here’s How to Recognize Him
Everyone thinks that our Lord wore tattered rags and robes and ancient-day-Crocs because he liked them, but that's actually just what was fashionable back then.
The Week I Decided to Get Tough on the (Mostly Ecological) Crimes Being Committed in My 4th Floor Loft
The Occupant begins his own thorough cleaning of his apartment. Girlfriend refuses to help, instead deciding to go to the Farmer’s Market and then to a yoga class.
Just Caught My Son Crandley YouTubing BMX on a School Night
Some nights I lie awake, wondering, is my son a nancy ass? Now, I fear the worst?: that he harbors dreams of a future in social work.
PRESS RELEASE: Kellyanne Conway Clears Up the Question of the Michael Flynn/Russia Controversy
If the Mike Flynn Russia call did not take place in our Presidents sense of reality, either there is no issue as this is the only reality that now matters or it is not.