Conversation with My Liver: An Intervention
Hey, buddy, it's me, your liver. I need to talk to you about last night. 20 shots of whiskey? What the hell were you thinking? I'm dying here.
Tag: Satire and Parody
Jesus was a Dick
I'm pretty sure Jesus was the guy going, 'My birthday, we're doin' it up Vegas style!' and everyone was thinking, 'Yeah, probably not, asshole.
Fake Charity Begins at Home
Since you can't trust Toys for Tots with your donation, here are five new charities I'd like to see, including Drink for Prostate Cancer and Fantasy Adoption.
I Eat My Pringles with a Fork (and Other Equally Absurd Poems)
I eat my Pringles with a fork, …I don't know why I do it. The crisp is broken straight away, The fork just goes right through it.
You’re Safe in the Arms of Hubert Warren, Jr., Chief of Police
I joined the police in 1987 hoping they'd provide me a weapon I could use to kill my ex-wife’s dog. Turns out I was natural police material.
Nothing Was Written in Stone, Fred, You Know That
Dear Fred, I'm sure by now you have realized I'm gone. It's not that I didn't love you. I did. We had some really great times in the early days. But I couldn't wait for you anymore. -Wilma
Babies Should Not Have Facebook Accounts
Now that my generation is coming of age and starting to produce offspring, I am noticing a disturbing trend: babies with Facebook accounts. Here's why this should not happen.
I am Morally Outraged at Major League Baseball and Demand Satisfaction
The time has come to take back our national pastime, baseball. The game that, as a boy in the mid 1890's, kept me up late at night.
How to Survive in the Sahara Desert
What do you do if you just happen to find yourself in the middle of the Sahara Desert? Commercial airlines don't fly over the Sahara, as far as I know.
Diary of a Men’s Room Attendant: Reflections from a Toilet
The following are excerpts from the journals of Frank Malinowski, a men's room attendant from Queens, NY, who was replaced by a hand dryer.
I Am Better Than You
It's not your fault. It's just the truth. I wish it weren't, really. I wish I wasn't handsome and wealthy. I wish my genetics weren't superior to yours in every way.
Jon and Kate Plus 9
<p>Oh yeah, I beat off during <em>Jon and Kate Plus 8</em>. Who hasn't?! I searched the channels while the videos downloaded, and stopped on TLC when I saw the show. My girlfriend watches it, so no homo.</p>