We Must Drink the Rising Sea Levels
Let's face it: ocean water tastes like shit. But what if it didn't? What if we could figure out a way to make it a refreshing cocktail? That's right, we must fight the rising sea levels by drinking them.
Tag: Satire and Parody
Fake Police Helicopters on the Rise
With a slumping economy, neighborhood watch committees are turning to private contractors for surveillance, and what better way than to license helicopter services to keep criminals on the run?
Eavesdrop #339, Geek vs. Supermodel
In this eavesdrop, the cell phone conversation between a supermodel and an astrophysicist is snatched from the air. Let's listen in as the two deal with each other's physical and mental shortcomings.
Gardening for the Disabled
Even if you're like, totally fucked up and in a wheelchair, you can still garden, okay? Millions of disabled people assume they can't, though.
Impromptu Oscar Acceptance Speech
Oh my God! Thank you so much for this award. First of all, I'd like to thank Jesus for this award. He's the reason I have this award. If it wasn't for Jesus I'd still be serving baby back ribs at Hooters.
Simile Toast Crunch, The Greatest Cereal on Earth
This is the greatest cereal I've ever eaten. It's crunchy yet smooth; bitter yet sweet. This cereal is like the Civil Rights movement poured into a bowl.
A Public Service Announcement for the Awareness of Unicorns
What if unicorns ran the world? Could such a wondrous time exist? Would they allow regular horses to stay? I'm sure you ask yourself this every day. I know I do.
A Taste of Hershey Highway
All my years of watching porn and Animal Planet finally paid off as I combined these ideas into one magical symphony of sex. And I bet you want details about how I pulled this shit off 'cause like me, you are a bunch of sick fucks.
My Starbucks Employment Application
We at Starbucks take coffee very seriously, dating it for six months before we even consider making a breast move. If you would not sell your own mother into white slavery for a good espresso, please just go apply at Tully’s.
Sorry I Shot You in the Ovaries
I really, really feel bad about the fact that I destroyed your reproductive system like that. I wish I could make it up to you. You could take my child, if you promise to assume full legal responsibility for it. And feed it.
My Live Blog of a Night at the Frats
Oh my God, I'm walking to frat row. I thought we were being ironic! I was being sarcastic when I said that I wanted to 'get my pong on.' I don't talk like that!
It’s Not Me, It’s You
<p>It's not you, it's me. Just kidding, it's you. You've been holding me back. I have inspirations, I have dreams! There are so many insights that I can't achieve with you in my life—like having sex with all the Playboy Bunnies. It's not that you're holding me back; it's that with you present in my life I can't do anything. It'll be easier without you. I have to do things on my own