My Only Regret in Life Is Not Petting More Dogs
I would pet little dogs, big dogs, toy dogs, and dogs that don’t even look like dogs. Boring dogs. Cool dogs. Hot dogs. All the dogs.
Tag: Satire and Parody
King Kong’s One-Star Tripadvisor Review of the Empire State Building
Look, airplanes shouldn’t be constantly flying around a building in the first place.
Open Letter to Zeus, King of the Gods and Lord of Storms
Is this yet another quarrel with your wife about your infidelity? Or an ass-backwards attempt to punish a blasphemous hero?
It’s Time to Rethink Our Rubber Chickens
Our rubber chickens—and indeed our entire portfolio of goofs and gags—have lost their context. Dare I say, they are no longer funny.
Cancel Culture Is This Jar of Pickles I Can’t Open
Cancel culture is holding back the next Great American Novel, groundbreaking works of political theory, and my Wednesday afternoon lunch.
I Am the Improbable Fireball in Every Hollywood Action Movie, and I Demand a Lifetime Achievement Award
It's time to recognize my artistry, distinguished contributions to world cinema, and unparalleled ability to blow shit up without dismembering anyone.
Please Help, I’m Still Street Punk #5
Being stuck in character as STREET PUNK #5 for almost forty years has caused me more than a bit of grief.
I Am the Wooden Board at That Gourmet Burger Restaurant, Here to Remind You That You Only Make $10 an Hour
You only made $200 this week, yet you STILL let your friends drag you here?
America, Please Elect Me as Our Country’s First Beta-Male President in 2024
I need your support to create an America where I, as President, never have to make direct eye-contact with any of you
I’m Arctic Shipwreck Survivor Stranded with an Annoying Show-off Asshole
During my second dinner, Francis told me that we needed to “ration our food better.” I was so taken aback by this.
The Unvarnished Truth About Why Your Dog Didn’t Get Into Doggy Daycare
For starters, you named your dog Sausage. If your dog was a dachshund, this moniker might make sense.
In the Metaverse, You Can Do Anything! Except Stop Being Depressed
Changing what you look like on the outside won’t change how you feel on the inside, but it’s still a ton of fun to adjust your avatar’s clothes.