I’m Sorry My Newsletter Is Late
Let’s pray this doesn't happen a third time. For peace of mind, I encourage you to hug your loved ones, renew your passport, liquidate assets, etc.
Tag: Satire and Parody
Frequently Asked Questions About Our New AI-Powered Spaghetti
SpaghettAI involves unfathomable computing power, a series of data centers in Tuscany, and a gargantuan tub of tomato sauce in the metaverse.
A List of Excuses to Use If You’re a Rich Parent with a Badly Behaved Child
You think my child is a heinous sociopath because she killed your family cat? Ever heard of formaldehyde and Damien Hirst? It's called art.
Gentlemen, It’s Been an Honor Smelling Candles with You All in This HomeGoods Today
It goes without saying that when you've sniffed wax with as many husbands in home décor stores as I have, you tend to get jaded.
Announcing My Seasonal Transition to Fairweather Friend
Fairweather Friend Season commences with the onset of colder temperatures, and/or bird migration, and/or closed-toed shoes.
What My Next Week Would Have to Look Like for This Swiss Army Knife Purchase to Be Worth It
As the sun sets on the horizon, I use the bottle opener to crack open some ice cold beers and bond with my shipmates.
Google Maps Directions for a Parent with a Screaming Baby in the Backseat
In 200 feet, check the mirror to ensure your child hasn’t escaped the car seat like a little Gen Alpha Houdini.
A Lengthy Puff Piece About Scout Walz, First Dog of Minnesota
Scout is as energetic, spry, and sly as ever—the Paul Rudd of lab mixes. What’s his secret? “I sleep sixteen hours a day,” he deadpans.
Your Promotion from Coworker to Friend Has Been Denied
We know this isn’t the news you wanted to hear, but unfortunately our pool was full of more qualified applicants or people we already know who lived closer.
I Am the Last Living Person on Facebook
I’m alone. There is no other person on Facebook. Every day, I open Facebook. I look for any sign of human life. There is none.
Parents, Just Fill Up the Volunteer Sign-Up Sheets and There Won’t Be Any Problems
You’re always baking anyway, what's one more batch of brownies? What about 12 extra batches?
A Kindergarten Progress Report for Myself, a 37-Year-Old Woman
Using the mantra, “Don’t be a crazy person,” Amy has presented as a competent, securely attached parent at drop-off time.