Now That I’ve Power Washed My Proposal to You, I Guess I Can’t Finish Power Washing the Rest of the Driveway
I’ll go put the power washer back in the garage. No more power washing today.
Tag: Satire and Parody
All I Want for Christmas Is a Norse Pagan Scorn-Pole
I’ve been silently scorning them for years and I’m ready to take it up a notch—with a decapitated horse head and powerful pagan curses.
Mrs. Claus Serves Santa Divorce Papers
At 1,559 years old, I’m not getting any younger. And a woman has to do what she can to make it through this cold, ice-hard world.
Sex and the Ancient City
“But is that really just?” pleaded Andiemantus, trying not to scuff his new Manolo Blahnik Mary Jane walking sandals against the cobblestone floor.
The Marketing Pitch for Pears
Pears have all the qualities you love in an apple, but with a fresh, edgy, devil-may-care attitude.
‘Tis the Season to Eat a Whole Lot of Snow!
Isn't it beautiful? Doesn't it make you want to grab your snow-spoon and scoop as much as you can up into your mouth?
I Am Very Uncomfortable in the Leadership Role You’ve Assigned Me: The Guy at the Front of the Conga Line
Do I look like the life of the party? It took me a solid ninety minutes to work up the nerve to even step out onto the floor!
I’m a Lawyer, So No, You’re Not Allowed to Criticize Me for Defending Child Slavery
While I try to have a thick skin about all this, I must admit it’s pretty disturbing when I hear a critic imply that I’m in some way morally culpable for the clients I choose.
Without Cream Cheese, the Country Will Fall
The lifeblood of American society, the oil that lubricates its gears and allows the cogs in its national wheel to turn, is cream cheese.
The True and Indisputable Meaning of Christmas
Remember the true meaning of the holiday: Getting some $15 shit from Target and being done with it.
Excerpts from “Maynard McClelland, Bathroom Detective”
The toilet was pristine. I placed the back of my hand on the porcelain. Cool to the touch.
SORRY I HAVE TO YELL OVER THE MUSIC IN THIS NIGHTCLUB BUT YOU LOOK LIKE YOU’RE SUCCUMBING TO ENNUI BRO
LISTEN BRO. JUST REMEMBER THAT YOU CAN ALWAYS COME TO ME WHEN YOU’RE FEELING THIS WAY BRO.