Memory Like a Goldfish? I’ve Got a Memory as Long as the Time You’re Going to Spend in Hell for Trapping Me in This Bowl
Are you familiar with the phrase, “Living your best life?” Do you think that’s what is going on in here?
Tag: Satire and Parody
I Am Henry Heimlich’s Arch-Rival, and I Also Invented a Very Cool Maneuver
I’m 89 years old and I’ve literally never seen Heimlich's Maneuver happen, and I’ve eaten at hundreds of sloppy lobster restaurants.
I’m the Silverfish in Your Bathtub, and I Could Really Use a Break
What did any silverfish ever do to you? We’re barely able to stop ourselves from disintegrating into dust.
For Sale: Beautiful New Home, 3 Beds, 3 Baths, and 8,723 Toilets
Everyone in the house could be pissing at the exact same time, which is something you could do if you wanted.
A Eulogy for Tom Brady (1977-2296)
When Tom first started playing, there were no 5th downs or 100-yard field goals. And every game took place on Earth, where gravity was a huge factor.
Instagram Is Permanently Banning Your Account Due to Bad Vibes
We realize it’s atypical to ban someone who hasn’t violated our Terms of Service, we strongly believe that your personality and general vibe justify an exception.
Post-Halloween Report: My Gabba Ghoul Costume Was a Flop
"This is gonna be huge," I whispered to myself, flattening the various cold cuts dangling from my body.
The Babadook No Longer Lives in This Book, Which Unfortunately Reduces Its Value at Auction
That’s right, the book's value at auction is thirty dollars without the Babadook.
Naturally Tidy Woman, or Trapped in a Wes Anderson Film?
Does free will exist, and did I employ it when purchasing this quirky pair of binoculars? Do I even like binoculars?
My Deepest Apologies to the Staff I Terrorized at Frightwood Haunted House
I would also like to offer to pay for the damages to the building from when I ripped a meat hook out of the ceiling and swung it around my head.
A Real Spider’s Design Critique of the Fake Spider Web I Put Up for Halloween
What type of web is this supposed to be? Certainly not a classic orb web, or an on-trend funnel web.
FAQ: Your Rescue Monster
When you adopt from Frankenstein’s, you can rest assured your Rescue Monster has received the highest quality of care.