FAQ: Your Rescue Monster
When you adopt from Frankenstein’s, you can rest assured your Rescue Monster has received the highest quality of care.
Tag: Satire and Parody
To the Horror Movie Villain Who’s Definitely Not Hiding Behind My Curtains
Are you embarrassed that I called you out, and now suffer from some sort of movie monster performance anxiety?
Notes on Being a Fashion Icon
I instead opt for one of my many t-shirts that feature Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs smoking marijuana.
I’ve Personally Committed to Becoming 100% Carbon Neutral by 2075
We're lucky to have such great brands to remind us that individuals could be doing more to save the planet from the brink of ecological collapse.
I’m a Hypnotist Comedian, and You’re Finding This Hilarious
And as we count down from five, we allow ourselves to become even more amused… Four, letting all of the non-amusement just gently melt away…
It’s Time to Punish Freddy Krueger by Taking Away His Hat
It’s ironic that Freddy Krueger’s initials are FK because the guy should be Fucking Kancelled.
This Year I’m Not Going to Eat All of the Candy I Bought for the Trick-or-Treaters
The big bag is a safer purchase. Now it won’t be the end of the world if I have one. I’d hate to disappoint the kids two years in a row.
Zillow Listing for the House from “The Blair Witch Project”
Admire the local artisanship on display, particularly the humanoid stick figures bound in twine looming overhead in the trees.
“Beowulf” Is a Total Rip-off of My Life
The monster in the poem “dwelt in the moor-fens, the marsh and the fastness”--and guess what, that’s exactly where my monster dwelt.
How to Be an Agreeable Long-Term Alien Guest
Be tidy. If you have showered in body fluids, towel off before excursions.
Broadcast of a Baseball Game Between Dads Checking on a Sound in the Middle of the Night with Baseball Bats and Louisville Slugger Factory Workers Who Test Bats for Quality Assurance
The dads effectively hit everything except the ball causing a lot of property damage while the factory workers could not settle on a bat.
I Am the Menacing Voiceover from a Horror Movie Trailer and I’m Just Trying to Order a Pizza
MINDLESS EATING MACHINES, TO STRIKE TERROR INTO THE HEARTS OF MEN. FOR MAN IS THE WARMEST PLACE TO HIDE. For $2 more the pizzas come with extra cheese.