Release Notes for Eternal Damnation Version 2021.666
New arrivals to Limbo will receive brand-new iPhones that only show Instagram posts from people who have ascended to Heaven.
Tag: Satire and Parody
Breaking the News to My 85-Year-Old Grandpa That He Missed Halley’s Comet and It Won’t Be Back until 2061
Tonight is definitely the most important celestial event of the century. Not months ago on April 8th and 9th. Nope. It’s tonight. November 27th, 1986.
Our Friendship Has Been One Long, Intricate Plot to Get You to Subscribe to My Newsletter
I met you at a time of great need in my life. That need? More readers for my newsletter where I rank pizza shops based on taste, texture, and sauce ratio.
Please Buy This Mirror from Me
The blurry apparition behind me in the last shot is definitely not the ghost of my great x 10 grandfather, just a smudge on my camera.
A Friendly Reminder That We Still Have Your Son Held for Ransom
We appreciate you're probably busy. And trust us, we're normally never this needy in ransoms.
Psych 3000: The Psychology of Nihilistic Anger
In Unit 2, we will delve into how I’m sick of your stupid shit too, and pretty please fuck off (and thank you).
I Have No Professional Skills So I’m Applying to Be an LA Meteorologist
I’ve workshopped names like Gale Force, Itsa Scorcher, Summer Day, or if you just want to throw all subtlety out the window, Cloud Precipitation.
This Fall, I’m Going Balls to the Wall with Flannel
The ER doctor at San Diego General Hospital claimed my vision was a fever dream induced by sleeping in a flannel thermal jacket.
Stop Your Spiders Getting Chilly with Octo-Cozy™ Technology
My own spider (Cecil) was like the son I never had. Actually, I have a human son, but he's been quite a disappointment to me.
A Preflight Safety Lecture in the Not-So-Distant Future
Non-stop service from Dunkin Brands/Boston International Airport to Paramount++ Presents The Mummy VI/Hollywood Burbank Airport.
I’m Furious That My Soul-Crushing Novel Isn’t a Bestseller
But after all my sacrifice, my masterpiece sold only sixty-three copies, fifty of which I pawned my furniture to buy.
Your Password Has Been Leaked (But It’s Chill)
Definitely cringe, but as a tech startup that is not part of the Federal Reserve System, we’re kind of impressed. Seriously, this hack was lit.