Simon Says for Future Women in Power
Simon says stand on one foot, while also juggling four frying pans and reciting today’s history lesson on the Battle of Bunker Hill from memory.
Tag: Politics
Wedding Vows for Conspiracy Theorists
Do you promise to never fake orgasms or moon landings? Will you open your heart to your spouse’s family, friends, and cabals?
In Loving Memory of the Beto O’Rourke We All Used to Think Was Hot
He is no longer the youth pastor you spoke with about the morals of masturbation too many times; he is the teacher that made you believe in bullying.
Modern Scares You’ll Encounter in a 2019 Haunted House
You flee down hallways. Everywhere, people are being NICE to each other! They jump out from the darkness, only to grab other people in huge hugs!
I’m Julius Caesar’s Haircut, and Please Leave Me Out of This
Do not allow my legacy to be tarnished by an out-of-touch billionaire who is disseminating white supremacist content over the internet.
If Other Awards Ceremonies Were like the Oscars and Emmys
First off, I would like to thank the Ridge Hill Community Soccer organization for re…
Why I’m Leaving Lobbying for the Rich to Lobby for the Super-Rich
I started out as just an idealistic kid with nothing more than ambition, determination, and the portfolio of Fortune 500 clients my father gave me.
An Asteroid Threatens the Federation and We Must Take Action—But Only after Tonight’s Gala
We do not want to mar the beauty, purity, and good vibes of the Federation Gala with the ugliness of politics.
I’m Not an Out-Of-Touch Billionaire Politician, I Interact with Young People Every Day When I Feast on Their Souls for Energy
I literally feel their struggles, taste their fears, and nibble their dreams as the virile light in their eyes becomes my own.
I’m Using My Nephew’s Onesies to Propagate My Political Agenda
I send Joey down the slide delivering truth bombs like: GRAMMY SPOILS ME---AT LEAST SHE WOULD IF CONGRESS WASN’T PILFERING HER SOCIAL SECURITY.
Simon Says for Future Men in Power
Simon says tell your neighbor you never touched her butt, and she must be imagining things. This is "gaslighting" and will come in handy someday.
Championship Racehorse or Joe Bidenism?
Some of these are horses that made the turns and came out on top. Some are turns of phrase associated with a horse still in the running.