<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/ant-714684.gif"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/ant-712280.gif" border="0" /></a>Me: Wow. I’m glad you came over unannounced, but I wasn’t planning on this. God, how can I say this without sounding crass?
<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/velcro-744688.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/velcro-742565.jpg" border="0" /></a>The fact that there are attractive, promiscuous women out there who bounce from one sexually unfulfilling relationship to another is part of the reason why I bother making money.<br /><br />When one of your male friends suggests a body spray or cologne for you, well, it’s probably not a good sign.<br /><br />I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, four hours of uninterrupted post-coital sleep beats ten hours of post-drinking sleep any night.<br /><br />All right, no one has asked so I guess I have to be the one to do it. Why didn’t Velcro tennis shoes catch on? It’s easier than tying shoes, right?<br /><br />I was reading Details Magazine in a salon while waiting for my $25 haircut when I came across an article about how the male chromosome (the y chromosome) is degenerating more with each generation, and how genetics may be playing a part in causing this whole metrosexual movement. I thought that was totally absurd until I realized that I was reading Details Magazine. In a salon. While waiting for a $25 haircut. You may feel free to bitch slap me on sight.<br /><br />Here are the top five best things that the male host of a dinner can say.<br /><br />1. You want a beer?<br />2. You a football fan?<br />3. How do you like your steak cooked?<br />4. I have free passes to that strip club. You want some?<br />5. Dude, I have the most complete double d porn collection ever. And I mean, ever.<br /><br />And finally, because this is another one of those entries where I shave logic and fluidity from my head, only to watch them fall on the floor and be swept up by a 16 year old girl, I leave you with the following, which I overheard during a heated discussion at the Classy Dance Bar:<br /><br />“Look, I only cheated on you while I was out of town. What’s the big deal?”<br /><br />And yes, a woman said that. God bless America.
<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/cap-gown-744544.gif"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/cap-gown-740050.gif" border="0" /></a>Being funny is hard. My whole life, I’ve been many things, but never really funny.
<a href="http://www.ucalgary.ca/~ekowch/p/graphics/nickleback.jpg"><img style="float:right;width:200px;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="http://www.ucalgary.ca/~ekowch/p/graphics/nickleback.jpg" border="0" /></a>You guys have no idea how happy I am right now. I mean, I’m freaking grinning from ear to ear. I woke up today in a good mood because a) the week has been a fantastic mix of great living, loving, partying and drinking and b) it’s Friday, and for us nine-to-fivers of the world (God bless the working stiff!), that still means something and c) the playoffs are coming, the playoffs are coming, the playoffs are coming. So I’m freaking thrilled. And since I know that you know that I know that it really is the little things in life that make us happy, let’s take a look at the top ten little things that helped make this week great.<br /><br /><strong>10. I watched the Trojans lose the National Championship because they were stupid.<br /></strong>I don’t know why, but watching an overrated, over-hyped team lose a game because they’re morons is like watching the wheels fall off Saddam Hussein’s tricycle while he’s riding it. Just great times all around.<br /><br /><strong>9. I won $375 gambling on football.</strong><br />I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the movie, <em>Color of Money</em> but you should. In that movie, Paul Newman (as the aging Fast Eddie Felson) states the following, “money won is twice as sweet as money earned.” He’s right. I mean, there’s something gratifying about cashing a paycheck from a hard week’s work—you know, that “Wow, I earned this” feeling—but there’s something, well, let’s just call it “grossly rewarding”… Yeah, that’s it. There’s something grossly rewarding about winning money. It just feels really good, like really, really good (just gross amounts of good right there) and it actually is monetarily rewarding. So it’s grossly rewarding. I like that. I think that’s how it feels, and if you disagree, well fuck you.<br /><br />There, I said it. I hope you’re happy, Jerk.<br /><br /><strong>8. And nobody I know got killed today in South Central LA.</strong><br />I gotta say it was a good day. I didn’t even have to use my A.K. (Remember when Ice Cube was tough?)<br /><br /><strong>7. I haven’t heard that stupid Nickelback song once this week.</strong><br />You know the song. You know you hate it. You know a piece of you dies every time someone plays that song on a jukebox at a pub causing three or four dumb girls to say, “Ooh, I love this song,” while you glance around for the sharpest implement on which you could impale yourself, lest you hear that piece of crap song one more time. “Look at this photograph...” No! And you can’t make me. God, I hate that song. And you hate it, too. (This is just one of those things I have to accept as universally true. This song sucks, and we all know it. There will be no debate. Keep this line moving, thank you very much.)<br /><br /><strong>6. Highs were in the 70s; lows in the 50s</strong><br />Sure, it’s getting cold now. And I’ll be shivering this weekend. But the week has just been beautiful. Beautiful. One might even say “grossly beautiful” but one never wants to push it.<br /><br />Or does one?<br /><br /><strong>5. Every pair of socks I’ve put on this week has been brand new.</strong><br />Thanks Mom and Dad. If I were a billionaire, I’d wear new socks every day I had to wear socks. I mean, why not, right?<br /><br /><strong>4. I adopted a Malaysian girl.</strong><br />Just kidding. I wanted to make sure you were still paying attention.<br /><br /><strong>3. I ate steak twice this week.</strong><br />I mean, that’s a great feeling. Two medium rare porterhouses in the same week. That’s America, right there.<br /><br /><strong>2. I found $20 on the ground.<br /></strong>This was the coolest thing. I was visiting one of my favorite parks (Lettuce Lake Park in Tampa) where I reached down to pick up a can that some disgusting bastard had tossed into nature, and underneath it was an old vinyl wallet with no identification of any kind and a wet twenty dollar bill. To borrow a phrase from Eric Cartman, “Sweet.”<br /><br /><strong>1. I got two free Cuban sandwiches for lunch.</strong><br />And these were quality, could-have-been-from-straightoutta-Lil-Havanna-in-Miami type sandwiches. Just damn good eats.<br /><br />And so to recap, sometimes it’s the little things like steak, sandwiches, successful wagers and new socks. And sometimes it’s the big things like sex, football and playoff football weekends. But sometimes, when the stars align the right way for you, well, you get both the little things and the big things working right.<br /><br />And the next thing you know, you’re looking in the mirror and wondering how you earned that shit-eating grin, half-knowing that it won't last because all good times end.<br /><br />Happy weekend, peoples. Here's to you and yours.
<a href="http://media.scout.com/Media/Player/57067_carsonPalmer200.JPG"><img style="float:right;width:200px;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="http://media.scout.com/Media/Player/57067_carsonPalmer200.JPG" border="0" /></a>The playoffs are here and all across America, bookies are smiling from ear to ear in anticipation of taking my money. In addition to my money, they’ll probably be taking your hard earned Johnny Cash as well. You see, it’s tough to bet on the playoffs. The level of play rises, the mistakes are magnified, and there’re only four games for us to gamble on at the most each week (which gives Vegas more time to analyze each game and set the appropriate spread). Clearly, the playoffs require a special effort rarely seen in the regular season.<br /><br />So, to symbolize the all-or-nothing mentality of the playoffs, I’m not picking these games alone. That’s right, sports fans, PIC legend and actual sports journalist, Justin Rebello is back to answer questions, make his picks and insult… well, whoever and whatever he wants (that’s his style. And, according to the last time I read the constitution, it’s also his right). Anyway, first I’ll pick them games, then I’ll ask Justin a few questions, then he’ll do the same, and then I’ll make fun of his lousy picks. Eventually this will turn into an all out blood-feud that leaves thousands of people literally wondering what happened to the last few minutes of their lives. Anyway, let’s get to the picks, huh?<br /><br /><strong>BUCCANEERS (-2½) over Redskins<br /></strong>Don’t you get the feeling that Joe Gibbs and John Gruden, if they drank together in a bar, would arm wrestle for the tab, with Gruden winning easily and Gibbs holding his right shoulder afterwards and saying something to the effect of, “Twenty years ago I could have taken you”? That’s how I see this game breaking out. Twenty years ago, Gibbs would have won. Not this Saturday, though. And yes, I put $50 on this.<br /><br /><strong>Jaguars (+7½) over PATRIOTS</strong><br />Before you get pissed off, New England fans, please note that I fully expect the Patriots to win with one of those two minute drives that ends with a Vinatieri field goal (I think Brady and Vinatieri may have trademarked this, by the way). But the Jags have been underrated all season. They covered about six spreads for me this year, and there’s something to be said for loyalty. Now, all that being typed out, I did not put any money on this game.<br /><br /><strong>Panthers (+3) GIANTS</strong><br />Deciding between Jake Delhomme and Eli Manning is like picking between ‘N Synch and the Back Street Boys. Either way, you sell tickets, but well… you won’t go very far for very long. I’m taking the Panthers because Delhomme has been there before. I guess that means something (note: I’m not betting this one either).<br /><br /><strong>Steelers (-3) Over BENGALS</strong><br />Now we’re talking. An ancient rivalry between a battle tested team and a bunch of flaky dreamers with names like Carson and Chad. Let me tell you something: Carson and Chad always get their asses kicked by the Bens and Jeromes of this world. It’s a rule. That’s why I put $50 on this one as well.<br /><br />Mr. Rebello, if you would submit your picks and then answer the following and then wrap this up with a nice little bow like Joe Buck put on the box that held the Tiffany diamond-encrusted-watch he and McCarver bought Derek Jeter after their voyage on the Blue Oyster Man-Love-Cruise (I got the first McCarver insult of the email exchange. Take that, Rebello!), I would be much obliged.<br /><br />My prediction for the Super Bowl is Colts versus Bears. It should be an interesting one, if you like blowouts. Justin, what’s your prediction for the Super Bowl?<br /><br />Bill Simmons wrote often about his five year grace period (he stated that, if your team wins a championship, you have five years until you can bitch about the team again). As a Buc’s fan whose team won the Super Bowl four years ago, I can honestly say that it’s almost impossible to go five years without bitching about a losing team. I know you’re aware of this grace period, so please tell me some examples of hard times you’ve been having watching your championship teams and trying not to complain. That’d be nice.<br /><br />Do you think Mikey is gay? Seriously, I’m starting to wonder.<br /><br />What was your favorite story of the NFL regular season? Personally, I like the whole “our fans are banning together to get our lousy GM fired” thing going on in Detroit. But I’m a sucker for mutiny.<br /><br /><strong>From Justin Rebello<br /></strong><br />NDUG, sup?<br /><br />I can't even believe we're trying this again. The last two times we did these little blog battles, we both ended up crying about our shitty baseball teams and you were standing outside my window with binoculars, frantically sending me the same email: "So seriously, what would be your ideal sports bar? I know you can hear me. I will not be ignored!" This time, let's see if we can at least make it until conference championships, eh? OK, here we go. I'll answer your questions in garbled order first, then the picks.<br /><br /><a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/rebello-748421.jpg"><img style="float:left;cursor:hand;margin:0 10px 10px 0;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/rebello-736742.jpg" border="0" /></a><br />Yes. Mikey is gay. In fact, I would describe him as Brokeback Mountainy.<br /><br />My favorite story from the regular season is Clinton Portis having to dress up as superhero characters at his press conferences just so everyone forgets (at least for a second) how inconsistent of a back he is. I'm dying to see LaMont Jordan in drag next year.<br /><br /><br />The five-year grace period, by Simmons' definition, is idiotic. The Pats have won three titles in four years, so by my count, they could go 0-240 over the next 15 years and I'm not supposed to be upset. I can see being a little more relaxed, but to say you're not allowed to bitch if your team sucks after winning a title, I mean, what's the point of following a team if that's the case? I think Simmons just invented it to shut up annoying Yankees fans.<br /><br />As for the Super Bowl, I like Indy and Seattle, because I don't really understand football. I have a fantasy team and know Shaun Alexander and Peyton Manning are both very good. I also don't listen when people tell me coaching and defense wins championships. I also haven't noticed that both teams live to die in January. I also listen to everything Mark Schlereth tells me about the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. I'm also very sarcastic.<br /><br />Denver vs. Chicago on Feb. 5. Print it.<br /><br /><strong>Redskins (+2½) over BUCS</strong><br />As long as we're completely ripping off Simmons here, allow me to make this time-honored joke: SIMMS! BRUNELL! It's Wild Card Weekend on FOX! So anyway, this has the potential to be the most boring way to spend 2.5 hours this side of a George Clooney-Matt Damon oil trading movie. And since everyone and their mother expects a defensive struggle, I'm going the other way and predicting some kind of offensive fiasco, one of those games you turn on in the fourth quarter and see Brunell has four TDs and is passing for 350 yards, and gamblers all across the country are tossing their UNDER receipts at their starving four-year-old kids. I love America.<br /><br />I kind of want to pick the Bucs if only because it'll keep you interested in this shit longer and Jon Gruden's actually won a Super Bowl since <em>Dog's Eye View</em>. But I don't see it. Not after what the Pats did to the Bucs three weeks ago, and not after what the ‘Skins did the last month of the year. One final note. Some lady called the Globe on Monday and asked me what the Tampa Bay running back's real first name is. And seriously, I was this close to saying "It's not Cadillac?" What can I say except "Fuck the NFC"?<br /><br /><strong>Panthers (+3) over GIANTS</strong><br />Part of me, as a fervent Peyton Manning hater, would love to see Eli and the Giants roll through the playoffs and win a Super Bowl. Wouldn't it be hysterical to watch Eli hold the trophy in some family picture with Peyton holding another worthless MVP award? It would be like the scene in Everybody Loves Raymond where Robert buys Ray that sweet toy plane and Ray buys Robert golf balls. Just thinking about it is almost enough to make me root for a New York team. Not quite, but almost.<br /><br />Anyway, even though Carolina is neck and neck with Seattle as the worst serious Super Bowl contender, I'll take a solid defense, outstanding coach and a Super Bowl QB over an overrated tight end, a crappy kicker, a bitch of a QB and a running back named Tiki.<br /><br /><strong>Steelers (-3) Over BENGALS</strong><br />The easiest game on the board. As much as I love Carson and Chad (which I think is premiering as part of NBC's new Super Thursday at some point), I'll take the great D and running corps. Oh yeah, and the team that didn't lose to KC by 41 points. Seriously, do you think the Steel is really going to allow the Bungles to beat them in a playoff game? Wouldn't that be a little like Cam'Ron outselling DMX?<br /><br /><strong>PATRIOTS (-7.5) over Jacksonville</strong><br />First, a few thoughts on the Pats game last week. Don't know if you realized this, but the Pats officially became a dynasty on Sunday. When you lose a game to Miami and everyone (and I mean, everyone) assumes you did it on purpose to get a better playoff matchup, well that says something.<br /><br />And second, I'm from New England. I love the Pats. I love Flutie. With that said, who gives a rats ass about that extra point play last week? What is this? NFL Blitz?<br /><br />Ok, on to the game. After the Pats loss matched them up with the Jags, everyone in Boston started playing the whole "easy matchup" card. And that got me thinking, Jax is 12-4. Are they really this bad? Turns out they have a very good defense and running game, and a pair of QBs who don't screw things up. So on Sunday, I said, nay. The Jags will win next week.<br /><br />So then Wednesday rolls around and everyone in Jacksonville is bitching about respect, leading up to Jimmy Smith's soon-to-be infamous line "They'll know us when we beat them." Because it's always smart to give a two-time defending Super Bowl champ some bulletin board material. So now, with all the bitching about Jacksonville getting zero respect, everyone is on board their bandwagon. It happens that fast. It's like how in the past two weeks everyone forgot how much better USC is and picked Texas, again because of the respect issue. (Justin's Note: this was written on Wednesday, so if in fact USC loses, completely disregard this and anything else I ever have to say about football). Finally, I decided. You know what? Fuck it. I'm picking the champs.<br /><br />Three Qs for you, kind sir.<br /><br />1. Who is the worst coach in the NFL? And you may also include the list of 617 who were fired this past week.<br /><br />2. Say you're Matt Leinart and the Saints draft you. Do you go? Bonus points if you can make fun of hurricane victims.<br /><br />3. Have you been watching Madden Nation? Seriously, you need to watch this show.
<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/electricguitar-790586.jpg"><span style="font-family:arial;"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/electricguitar-785687.jpg" border="0" /></span></a><span style="font-family:arial;">Stacey: What are you thinking right now? Oh God, don’t look at me like that. I know that’s such a cliché question and so stupid. I’m sorry.<br />Me: No problem.<br />Stacey: But seriously, what are you thinking about, right now?<br />Me: I’m trying to think of a column topic. The hardest part is coming up with the idea.<br />Stacey: Well, it’s obviously not the writing.<br />Me: Everyone’s a critic.<br /><br />Me: The way these two teams are playing right now, I wish a bomb would destroy the whole field so we could unconsciously sugarcoat how god-awful this game was, you know, to preserve the memory of the dead players.<br />Craig: That’s Nate’s language for, “This game sucks.”<br /><br />Stacey: How many children do you want?<br />Me: How many you got?<br /><br />Me: It’s good to see you’re still single and don’t have any children. Everyone else is married and has kids.<br />Ryan: Way to go. Now you just fucking jinxed me. I hope you’re ready to be an usher at my wedding soon, asshole.<br /><br />Stacey: You ever think about learning an instrument?<br />Me: Sometimes.<br />Stacey: I think you should play the guitar. It’s sexy, and you’d look good with one.<br />Me: This is the part of the conversation where I turn the television back on.<br /><br />Me: How come everyone always just assumes that whenever I go out, there’s a strong possibility I could end up in jail?<br />Mom: Nate. Come on now, honey. I raised you. I’m speaking from experience, here.<br /><br />Stacey: So, I think you should use this body spray, then accent it with this cologne. It could be your signature scent.<br />Me: My what?<br />Stacey: Your signature scent. You know, the smell that defines you.<br />Me: It’s times like this I wish I could make myself fart on cue.<br /><br />Me: So, does your fiancée know the kind of stuff we did when we were kids?<br />Aaron: Oh yeah, she knows all about how we spent our youth volunteering at the local churches.<br />Me: I get it. I get it. My mouth is closed.<br />Aaron: No stories.<br />Me: Not even the one about the time you got arrested for driving drunk on the train tracks?<br />Aaron: Especially not the one about the time—Hi, honey—you hooked up with that stupid slut.<br />Kelly: What?<br />Aaron: I’m just trying to steer Nate into the world of respectful conversation. I don’t want his odd lifestyle to ruin our night out.<br />Me: I’ll be good I promise.<br />Kelly: Oh, you couldn’t really bother me. I have three brothers.<br />Me: Any of ‘em get a DUI while driving on train tracks?<br />Kelly: Uh, no…<br /><br />Stacey: What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done?<br />Me: Today?<br />Stacey: No, in your whole life.<br />Me: Wow, that’s kind of a tough question. I’ve done a lot of stupid things. I couldn’t even begin to tell you. I wouldn’t know where to start.<br />Stacey: Yeah, that’s what every girl wants to hear… dumbass.<br />Me: See? I did it again. </span>
<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/paper-773455.gif"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/paper-771568.gif" border="0" /></a><em>Nate's note: For the conception of this essay I must thank Ben Ernst because, quite frankly, I stole the idea from him.</em><br /><br />The research paper, as it exists at the collegiate level, is nothing more than a transfer of information, and therefore not a legitimate learning experience. The guidelines for a research paper usually appear as follows: write a specific number of pages on a specific topic with a specific number of sources. Within these guidelines, all hopes for a reasonably creative topic meet decimation. One cannot write a comprehensive, creative, cohesive paper if one must worry about the paper’s length, the paper’s number of sources (which are usually required to appear within the paper) or the paper’s specific topic. (Granted, many professors omit the latter requirement from research papers, but we all can’t major in education.) Restrictions only limit the possibilities—that is the reason for their invention. Criminals receive limitations and restrictions to deter them from undertaking criminal actions. Athletes must comply with restrictions and/or limitations to deter them from undertaking un-sports-man-like activities. Apparently, college professors use restrictions and limitations to deter their students from undertaking the laborious task of writing research papers (after all, they can be purchased). There must be another way.<br /><br />The average student, receiving the average research paper guidelines, reacts in a typical fashion. First, the student selects a topic (if such a possibility exists) based usually on the topics level of facility; i.e. “can this paper be written with practically no trouble at all?” Once the student has achieved this frame of mind, he or she is prepared for the boredom and monotony that accompanies research papers. The average student, having access to a library, checks out five or six books which are usually, at best, remotely related to each other. For example, as I heard one rather interesting young student say in The USF Library, “These solid chunks of antiquated information were on the same shelf and they all have the word ‘Japan’ in the title. Let’s go. I’ve got my sources.” Seeing as how the professor is not worried about the content of the books, only that a specific number be used, the student need not worry about the importance of his sources. Obviously, bullshit begets bullshit, as the student discovers when he or she finally sits down to write.<br /><br />Writing a research paper is pointless. The student reads material which was re-written by some author, who had himself researched the topic using someone else’s research as a basis. So, after our hero has finally read all that can be stomached, he or she must sit down and decide which information they must steal, just as the author of their newly acquired information had done, just as the authors of the references cited in the student’s s book had done, and so on and so forth. Before writing on the computer, of course, the student draws out an outline and perhaps a few rough drafts. Soon he or she concludes that they either have too much or too little information for the topic, but they do not stop. No sir. Research papers have due dates, and that’s quite fitting, for without due dates professors would collectively receive zero papers and students would have the time to make money (which, ironically enough, is why they go to college). So the student bullshits the paper, which is to say, the assignment is either filled with quotes and information that is entirely unrelated to the topic (i.e. filler), or all of the information is summarized in much the fast-paced, slick, high-tempo fashion of the USA Today. Either way, it does not matter, because the professors rarely take the time to actually read the papers. They receive hundreds of them in one day, and in one week, they form a definite and final conclusion about the validity of those papers. More often than not, a teacher’s assistant (who actually has less free time than the average college student) grades the assignments with a certain, apathetic and monotonous regard for the papers’ overall academic importance unbecoming a person whose interest lie in the very field of education. After the paper is turned in, the information is forgotten, the topic is forgotten, and, sometime after the paper’s return, the very point of the entire exercise is forgotten. So it goes.<br /><br />A research paper, if this were a perfect world, would have a guideline as follows: select a topic in which you are interested that relates to this course, be concise, be coherent, be complete. Use outside sources if necessary.<br /><br />If assigned-research-papers could follow the guideline above, the students and teachers would both discover an advantage. The students could study what they wanted, as little or as much, and address a topic in which they may have some knowledge or at least some interest. The teachers would receive papers that surprise them, and may take some interest in actually reading them. Some times, we get so caught up in routines, that we forget the goals for which those routines were formed. The research paper was designed to teach us, not to burden us.
People ask me why I make no sense.<br />I say,<br />I speak from experience.
<a href="http://espn.go.com/media/nfl/2001/0103/photo/a_benson_i.jpg"><img style="float:right;width:200px;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="http://espn.go.com/media/nfl/2001/0103/photo/a_benson_i.jpg" border="0" /></a>Well, sports fans, this is the week where each NFL game falls into one of the following categories: the two teams involved have either clinched or been eliminated (read: don’t bet), the two teams involved need the win so desperately their players would sacrifice their first wives for it (read: don’t bet), or (the gambler’s wet dream) one team doesn’t care because they’ve been eliminated or have clinched a playoff spot and the other team is on the bubble and needs the win like Forrest Gump needed Jenny, or like Jenny needed HIV treatment. Whichever you prefer.<br /><br />Anyway, because this is the last week of the regular season, and because my exile from gambling will be complete effective on Sunday, I am going to bet a few games. And I’ll tell you how much money I’m betting and let you know next week how I did. This was my plan when I originally started picking them games, but then, well, I wagered that if I lost a bet against the Texans, I would quit gambling for the year. The football gods hate cockiness in gamblers, and the gambling gods just like watching people lose, and I don’t test fate (much)... But anyway, the exile is over, the playoffs are coming, the USF Bulls are in a bowl game and the doctor said I’m disease free, so I’m feeling pretty damn good, thanks for not asking.<br /><br />Let’s do these picks. As always, home teams in capital letters.<br /><br /><strong>Broncos (+11) over CHARGERS<br /></strong>The Chargers are one of the best teams to ever miss the playoffs. On a related note, I’m one of the best writers never to be paid for writing, <em>Titus</em> was one of the best shows ever to be canceled, and Miller High Life is one of the best cheap beers in America. In other words, who gives a crap? Also, I for one, cannot wait to watch the wheels fall off the Jake Plummer Express in the playoffs this year. I’m expecting no less than four priceless comedy moments from Mister Snake this postseason. Much like George from <em>Seinfeld</em>, Plummer’s always good for a laugh.<br /><br /><strong>Giants (-8) over RAIDERS</strong><br />Before this game, Randy Moss, Warren Sapp, Kerry Collins and Sebastian Janikowski will ingest a combined 4000 milligrams of Rophynol, smoke a half ounce of pot and split a fifth of Orange Liquor (either Tuaca or Grand Marnier—they’re not sure yet). I would have put money on this game but the Giants are in the playoffs win or lose and Eli likes his games like he likes his women: tight, close, and nail biting (I don’t know what that means).<br /><br /><strong>COLTS (-6½) over Cardinals<br /></strong>James Dungy was a student at USF (as was I), he was raised (for the most part) in Tampa (my home), he lived not two miles from my apartment, and he committed suicide. In the interest of retaining some semblance of class, I’m refraining from doing a joke here. Please, remember this when I insult the entire female gender with an upcoming column.<br /><br /><strong>BROWNS (+3) over Ravens</strong><br />Here’s my opinion on this piece of wet garbage: Billick will be coaching the Ravens next year, according to ownership, and so he doesn’t have much to prove. The Browns, however, have a new coach who wants to be back next year. If his players like him in the slightest, they’ll play their collective Brown asses off. And yes, this is the last game for the Browns this year, and thus, my last chance to write the phrase, “collective Brown asses” so I jumped on it. I love the internet sometimes. Sometimes, I really do.<br /><br /><strong>Bills (-1) over JETS</strong><br />I hated the 2005 Bills. They were impossible to predict and thus, impossible to bet on. The Jets, on the other hand, were much easier to predict. They lost… a lot. Also, when in doubt regarding a piece of crap game like this, always go for the newer coach unless rumors of dissension amongst the players and staff are coming from their city. Coach Mike will be back. Herm Edwards will be coaching at Juvenile Offender State next season. By the way, since Herm is so well known for his poor clock managing, do you think ownership got him a watch for Christmas? ‘Cause that would be funny. Imagine Herm sitting and staring at a gold watch and wondering aloud, “Is this some kind of fucking joke?” I smile just thinking about it.<br /><br /><strong>Panthers (-4) over FALCONS</strong><br />I wagered $100 on this. The Falcons are eliminated. The Panthers need a win to secure playoff hopes. As Bill Gates used to say, “Do the math and count the money.” Man, I wish I was better at math.<br /><br /><strong>Vikings (-4) over BEARS</strong><br />The Bears have clinched a first round bye. The Vikings are out of it. Thus, we can safely say that no one gives a Chihuahua’s little crap about this game. All over Chicago right now, lower income citizens are getting free game tickets from their upper income friends because this one ain’t worth getting cold over. (Wouldn’t that line be great in Fox’s pregame introduction? I can hear it now: “This Sunday, the Bears battle the Vikings in a game that’s not worth getting cold over. Lovie Smith is letting his six year old boy call the plays, Rex Grossman will play five minutes, and all of you fans are just idiots for coming out in this weather. My God, is it cold! Good luck not changing the channel, sports fans. Brrrr! The NFL on FOX!")<br /><br /><strong>CHIEFS (-7) over Bengals<br /></strong>I wagered $100 on this. The Chiefs need this win to earn the slim chance of seeing Dick Vermeil cry tears of joy. The Chiefs probably won’t make the playoffs, but hey, that’s why we have clichés (I mean, that’s why we play the games. That’s what I meant, I swear). Furthermore, the Bengals just shelled out seven billion dollars to retain Carson Palmer’s services over the next six years. So, he and Chad Johnson will probably be watching this game on the Jumbotron while munching on curly fries and sucking down cold beers. And while we’re here, who has the whiter name, Chad Johnson or Carson Palmer? I mean, we all know Chad ain’t white, but I think his name is. Hell, it may be even whiter than Carson’s. And yes, this is the kind of stuff I think about when I’m supposed to be working.<br /><br /><strong>STEELERS (-13½) over Lions</strong><br />My favorite subplot of the entire season didn’t involve a Panther cheerleader, a Terrell Owens hissy fit, a Viking sex cruise, Mike Martz getting fired while on a hospital bed, or a John Madden/Brett Favre romance. My favorite subplot this season involved hundreds of thousands of Lion’s fans all banding together in an attempt to get their worthless GM fired. So guys, please scoot over a little and make room on the bandwagon for me as I join you in chanting, “Fire Matt Millen. Fire Matt Millen. Millen sucks. Millen is killing the Lions. Fire Matt Millen.” Thanks guys.<br /><br />And by the by, nothing pisses me off more than a lousy GM. Do you have any idea how easy it is to be GM? Hell, all you need to do to run a team right is go down to the local sports bar, find two guys arguing about something stupid (like which of the team’s receivers would benefit more from a left-handed quarterback, for example) and ask those guys who to draft, who to hire, and who to fire. An athlete typically sucks when he doesn’t have “it” (whatever the hell it is), a coach typically sucks when he’s either lazy or uninspiring. It’s tough to work hundred hour weeks (like coaches do) and be inspiring. It’s even tougher to play football at a professional level. But all a successful GM has to do is manage skills like basic math and reading scouting reports. How hard is it? This stuff murders me slowly. And you think I’m kidding.<br /><br />Oh, and by the way, I wagered $100 on this one.<br /><br /><strong>PATRIOTS (-6) over Dolphins</strong><br />Yawn.<br /><br /><strong>Saints (+13½) over BUCCANEERS<br /></strong>Make no mistake, the Buccaneers will win this game, but I just don’t think they’ll do it by 14 points. Historically, the Saints have owned the Bucs in Raymond James Stadium (much like I own two migrant workers, and yes Lulu, that one was for you). And while we’re here, what do you think Satan will say to Tom Benson win they meet again? I’ll bet the conversation goes something like this:<br /><br /><strong>Satan:</strong> Welcome back, Tom. Good work. We’ll try to get you back into the sports world as quickly as possible.<br /><strong>Tom:</strong> Thanks, Satan. By the way, my wife loved those sinner-blood-filled chocolates you sent.<br /><strong>Satan:</strong> Aww. She’s too kind. Send her my love, will you?<br /><strong>Tom:</strong> Sure thing, Boss.<br /><br /><strong>49ERS (+2) over Texans</strong><br />I wish I could watch this game with Reggie Bush and his family. I’ll bet his family and friends are all saying things like, “The Texans wouldn’t be so bad if they could get Carr an offensive line” and “well, maybe Dom Capers won’t be there next year.” Poor Reggie. First the Hurricane Katrina victims get sent to Houston, and now he does. On the bright side, well, he has a Heisman trophy. Of course, so does OJ Simpson…<br /><br /><strong>JAGUARS (-3½) over Titans</strong><br />Quite possibly the toughest game to bet on this year. The Titans are out and the Jaguars can gain nothing by winning. However, the Jags just got their starting QB back from injury, and they’ll need to see if he’s ready to play. If he is, this is a lock. If he’s not, this is a loss. I wouldn’t bet on this with your money. Stay the hell away.<br /><br /><strong>Seahawks (+3½) over PACKERS<br /></strong>Brett Favre is unsure if the Packers want him back next season. On a related note, OJ Simpson is unsure if he’ll be invited to Thanksgiving dinner at the Goldman’s next year.<br /><br /><strong>Redskins (-7) over EAGLES<br /></strong>I wagered $100 on this one. And since there’s nothing really funny about this game, I’m gonna take this opportunity to state the five funniest things I heard from my friends about the NFL yesterday. So here they are, in no particular order.<br /><br />“I had Daunte Culpepper and Terrell Owens on my Fantasy Team this year. On the bright side, at least I’ve been productive at work.”<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">aaaaaaa</span>--Scott, the male secretary, I mean, assistant<br /><br />“You know, Kurt Warner has the highest completion percentage in the history of football. It’s a shame someone didn’t kill him right after his last Super Bowl. Instead of remembering him as an awesome player, we’re all gonna remember him as a fumbling hack with a crazy wife. He’s like the football equivalent of Elvis. He’s stoned, fat, wealthy and sitting on the can, man.”<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">aaaaaaa</span>--Chris, whose dissertation topic is too tough for me to comprehend<br /><br />“I think people are treating Brett Favre like an old man who was really loved and was a great Dad but now has Alzheimers. It’s like, no one wants to speak ill of him, but at the same time, someone has to take away his drivers license and hide his razors for his own good.”<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">aaaaaaa</span>--Ronnie, bartender and male stripper<br /><br />“The way Terrell Owens is going, he couldn’t get a job running the NHL Player’s union.”<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">aaaaaaa</span>--Bob, who can’t remember how he lost that tooth<br /><br />“The Bengals and Bears are in the playoffs. I think I’m gonna start going to church, you know, just in case this is the end of the world right here.”<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">aaaaaaa</span>--Tony, who stays away from the hard stuff during football season<br /><br /><strong>COWBOYS (-12½) over Rams<br /></strong>Here’s my candidate for Ram’s head coach next year: Martha Stewart. She’s tough, smart, scary, hard-working and dedicated to feeding men. What more could you want from a football coach?<br /><br />I mean, really.<br /><br />Oh yeah, and I put $100 on this one as well.
<a href="http://www.janegoodall.org/assets/homepage/Chimp-Gaurdian/Nani.jpg"><img style="float:right;width:200px;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="http://www.janegoodall.org/assets/homepage/Chimp-Gaurdian/Nani.jpg" border="0" /></a>How come Subway Sandwich Shops call their little sandwiches, “deli style”?
<a href="http://www.newyearfavors.com/image/products/88229-50_250.jpg"><img style="float:right;width:200px;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="http://www.newyearfavors.com/image/products/88229-50_250.jpg" border="0" /></a>To paraphrase Forrest Gump, for no particular reason, I am taking this opportunity to let y’all in on my top ten favorite things about New Year’s Day and it’s even more popular predecessor, Eve. With ideas this original, it’s a wonder David Letterman hasn’t called and asked me to revamp the entire Late Show.<br /><br />Onto the list.<br /><br /><strong>Number 10</strong><br />This is one of the few days of the year when throwing up is actually encouraged, hangovers are expected and strangers kiss me. Honestly, I wish we could celebrate every week this way.<br /><br /><strong>Number 9</strong><br />Fireworks, fireworks, fireworks. Man, I love blowing stuff up.<br /><br /><strong>Number 8</strong><br />As we all know, I’m a huge fan of lists. Nothing inspires lists like the end of the year. (By the way, look for PIC staffer, Chad Chamley, to write an end of the year list that breaks the five thousand word mark. And you think I’m joking.)<br /><br /><strong>Number 7</strong><br />Slumping down on the couch, surrounded by potato chip bags, beer cans and pizza boxes, all while watching a steady stream of college football games. To quote my buddy Rick, “I mean, could you actually get more American without shooting a terrorist?” Answer: of course not.<br /><br /><strong>Number 6<br /></strong>The feeling I get when I break that first New Year’s resolution, typically around 7 PM on New Year’s day. I don’t know how to describe it, but it’s kind of like a cross between getting new socks and enjoying a well cooked meal.<br /><br /><strong>Number 5</strong><br />All the bad jokes like, “You haven’t bought me one drink this year” or “Man, I haven’t gotten laid all year.” Not only are these jokes trite and boring, but, like all timeless classics, they never get old.<br /><br /><strong>Number 4</strong><br />Cheese on crackers. It’s not a new year until someone gives me a hunk of cheese on a cracker. If there’s an olive involved, well, all the better.<br /><br /><strong>Number 3</strong><br />This is the year I’ll finally meet Lulu and her boobage. Don’t hate me. I’d rather be lucky than good any day. We’ll get through this together. I promise.<br /><br /><strong>Number 2</strong><br />Yet another excuse to consume champagne. In case you were wondering, there are only four occasions when it is proper to consume champagne: a marriage, a new year, a divorce, or a Formula 1 race. I don’t make these rules up. I just live them and convey them.<br /><br /><strong>Number 1<br /></strong>Enjoying the obligatory cup of pig blood with the pagan elders… I mean, noisemakers. That’s it. I love noisemakers. But who doesn’t, right?<br /><br />Right?
<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/labrary-788340.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/labrary-786707.jpg" border="0" /></a><br />Lynne: If you cheated on me, would you tell me?<br />Me: If you asked.<br />Lynne: Good answer.<br /><br />Lynne: I really like you.<br />Me: What about your boyfriend?<br />Lynne: I don’t like him at all.<br />Me: Then why live with him?<br />Lynne: Because I need a place to stay. I could stay here.<br />Me: No. No, you couldn’t.<br /><br />Lynne: I don’t like having sex on beds. There’s nothing interesting there. Beds are for sleeping in after sex.<br />Me: So the rest of my apartment is for having sex?<br />Lynne: Except the kitchen. You really need to clean that up.<br /><br />Lynne: If I lived here, you might have to put up with a lot of craziness. I like to spend lots of late nights out.<br />Me: That’s fine. You wouldn’t have a key.<br />Lynne: Did you go to some kind of Jerk School or something?<br /><br />Lynne: You may find this surprising, but I never graduated high school.<br />Me: Let’s see. You’re unemployed. You live with a guy you hate. You’re at my place at 2 AM on a weekday. And you say you never finished high school? Wow, that’s shocking. If it’s any consolation, I never finished trucking school.<br />Lynne: When did you go to trucking school?<br />Me: Never. That’s what made it so hard to finish.<br />Lynne: That’s not funny.<br /><br />Me: So, I finally found out whose coat that was at my apartment.<br />Sharon: Did you run into her in a bar or did she come to your place?<br />Me: Both.<br />Sharon: And you slept with her again?<br />Me: To be fair, I don’t know that I slept with her the first time.<br />Sharon: Hey look, it’s the Grown Up Bus inviting Nathan to come join the rest of us. Uh oh, Nathan is hiding behind a bush like a fifth grader afraid of his teacher. Will he ever come out of the bush and grow up?<br />Me: I find it interesting that you used the word, bush.<br />Sharon: Seriously. You need to grow up.<br /><br />Sharon: Have you ever considered therapy?<br />Me: Therapy for what?<br />Sharon: For your mind. You have serious emotional issues.<br />Me: Oh yeah, well those shoes make your ankles look fat. There. I said it. Now we both have to live with it.<br />Sharon: You get stranger every week.<br /><br />Dan: The thing is, I hate going to the strip clubs unless the chicks are really hot. Otherwise, I might as well just go to the mall.<br />Me: What? Man, it must be nice living in LA.