By staff writer NG Hatfield
From the deepest bowels of Western Civilization, it has always been accepted that men are hornier than women. Hell, if you were to look into the definition of “horny,” you would find, “Having horns or hornlike projections.” Meaning, a penis. A vagina is a cavity, not a projection. Moreover, the billy goat, a horned beast, is in fact, a sexually active animal. Not only do they have horns, but if you were to meet a billy goat for a date, he would surely try to get into your pants. And as we find many facts about society through the animal kingdom, we must look to our horny male grazing cohorts to see the truth.
However, despite this obvious point (no pun intended), in the past thirty years or so, experts have claimed that women are not only equal to men in ability, skill, and intelligence, but also in sexual drive. A laughable assertion. You see, the reason this fallacy has been gaining momentum is that all of these “experts” are women. Specifically, these “experts” are women who may act, smell and dress like they have a penis, but DO NOT, in fact, own a penis. Or even a pair of testicles.
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It is common sense that women are not as horny as men. Statistically, they are less likely to masturbate (and less likely to admit to it, Lord knows…), they are less likely to engage in random sexual activity, and they are less likely to give oral sex while their partner eats a ham sandwich. Though some may say there is a social stigma attached to a sexually active woman (especially one who MADE her man the ham sandwich while she did that thing with her tongue), if you were to realize that men don’t give a shit about social stigma and would rather just fuck as many girls as possible, it’s blatantly obvious who is hornier. That is to say, if girls were as horny as guys, the social stigma would be a moot point.
Now, let’s just say that women were, in fact, as horny as guys. Let’s lie to ourselves and say that TOMORROW women became as horny as men.
First, love would die. After all, love is merely a fictional device created by Disney, Lady Godiva chocolates, and your local Ponderosa Steakhouse to keep men slowly and painfully trying to woo women into intercourse. When love dies, no man would ever have to say those three lying words, and no man would ever have to buy roses, chocolates, or deodorant again. All the money spent on those things would go toward condoms and various body lotions/oils. Of course, if love died, Dr. Phil would be out of a job, but he wouldn’t care because he’d be watching Asian girls take shits all day long…and they’d do that for him if they were equally horny.
Come to think of it, if love died tomorrow, the world would literally stop going 'round. Women having more sex would create some sort of perpetual day in some places and continual night in others. Plants would fry on one end of the planet and die on the other from lack of sunlight. It's not that far of a jump. Nocturnal animals wouldn't wake up in some places, and in others, all you'd hear is the haunting screech of the night owl. Some people would be very tan. Daylight Savings Time would be completely out of whack. Hell, we might all fall off the planet and spend our last 10 seconds having a wild orgy (of course, before the vacuous indifference of the universe rips us apart). Also, without love, the “Monster Ballads” CD I got for Christmas would be pretty much obsolete.
On the bright side, without having to worry about the painful agony of love, everybody would walk to work whistling (or take the clean, efficient public transportation systems). They would raise a pseudo-home of 12+ children, all of whom know each of the world's 10 major languages. (I call it pseudo-home because who needs a wife when you’re getting laid all the time?) There would be no need for crime, because who robs a bank when they're getting their balls sucked? What man kills another when he can just piss on his wife when he gets home? (Dirty sex is God's intended tension reliever.) Life in America would mimic life in Eastern Europe, minus the ethnic cleansing.
Because men who don't have to worry about sex are able to think clearly. Cancer would be cured. Pollution, abortion, and other contested political topics would no longer be discussed. This would be the result of apathy. AIDS would be a bit more rampant, though, and STDs would obviously be out of sight. In fact, AIDS would be the common cold version of some other hybrid flesh-eating disease that one gets just from lusting after another.
On the good side, the sexual harassment lawsuit laws of the 1990s would all be dropped from the books. Sex in the office would be as normal as water cooler talk. You, Mrs. Davis, would probably have sex with me, as well as the…lesser attractive students (any Mr. Davis, by the way?).
The internet wouldn’t be 99.99% girl-on-girl/girl-on-guy/dildo-on-girl and .01% horse-on-girl porn as it is today, but 50% female and 50% male porn. Basically, the internet would be used simply to arrange sexual meetings. Ebay.com would turn into the world’s largest prostitution ring. Ironically, tomorrow, in the world of the equally horny woman, if there is an STD in the world, you can “get IT on eBay.”
The word “nympho” would be removed from the dictionary. I mean, nymphomaniacs are only women who want sex as often as men do. Also, bars would stop charging so goddamned much to get in. Of course, there would be no need to get girls drunk, so guys wouldn't go.
Pregnancy rates would soar. Bill Clinton would go down as the coolest motherfuckin’ president ever and he’d likely run again on a ticket with Howard Stern. This would take place after George W. Bush finally admits to his heroin addiction and moves to Afghanistan, where Islamic people would be much more relaxed. That cross-eyed, 55-year-old virgin named Clyde from class would finally see a woman’s breast. Jerry Springer would host 3-hour long specials during primetime. Britney Spears wouldn’t sell another album, though I would definitely still fuck her brains out. I would lose my title of “wingman” here at WVU. Nobody would join a frat. Steven King wouldn’t sell another book (geeks get laid too!). And finally, and more importantly, Women’s Studies classes would be even more worthless. The results of this would be earth-shattering.
So, Mrs. Davis, you can see that those experts are wrong. Life is shitty now. Life would be much better if they were right. I mean, if women were to have sex as often as guys…I wouldn’t have to take billy goats out on dates anymore.