By contributing writer Jake Klocksien
If you're in college right now, it means you are part of the blessed generation who grew up with high quality family sitcoms, unlike the ratshit they throw on today like According to Jim and The Hughleys. Some of the greatest shows ever were broadcasted during those years, but due to the fact that we were only 13 years old, the networks had to tone the content down a bit. Here’s what you could have expected if the stations had decided to tell censorship to fuck itself.
Saved by the Bell
Slater misplaces his favorite sleeveless t-shirt and ends up popping pills just to suppress the mental torment. Zach makes up a playful new nickname for Lisa and immediately receives the harshest punishment ever handed down at Bayside High (an unforgiving three days suspension) after it is discovered that said nickname was “Darkie.”
Home Improvement
In a display of terrible irony during a taping of the show’s fictional home improvement show, Tool Time, Tim Allen’s character inadvertently short fuses an electrical socket while building the manliest appliance in the history of manliness. (That appliance being a 78” TV with a built-in microwave and condom dispenser.) However, the very real electrical fire that follows takes the lives of all 138 people attending the sitcom’s taping.
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Full House
Michelle develops a brain tumor that is later found to be the result of a steady (yet glamorous) level of toxins coming from Uncle Jesse's hair products. When Uncle Joey is informed of Michelle's situation, he coincidentally offers the correct medical advice when he enthusiastically repeats his trademark “Cut it out!” phrase. Michelle undergoes an overall successful surgery, but not before the tumor has eaten away part of the youngest Tanner's brain, leaving her with an adorable stutter! Danny Tanner finally bangs Gibbler and Stephanie realizes that nobody fucking cares about her or her worthless opinions, so she hangs herself with Comet’s dog leash. No one notices for three seasons.
Sister, Sister
What do you get when you take two identical bi-racial twin sisters, mix them with the token family sitcom plotline, and a desperate little guy named Roger that simply just wants a little ass? An Emmy winning knock-off of Full House with literally seasons upon seasons of outrageous dilemmas that Tia and Tamera somehow end up in due to their indistinguishable appearance. Wait, Sister, Sister won an Emmy? If you’re asking that, you clearly never paid attention to the “Outstanding Individual Achievement in Lighting Direction for a Comedy Series” category. The show’s director of photography received said prestigious award in 1995. (Thanks IMDb!)
Anyway, the censored part in this episode occurs when Tia Mowry shouts “Go home, Roger” for roughly the nineteenth time that episode. Roger, having grown weary of the constant rejection, is infuriated and regrettably turns to a more forceful approach: rape. Tia does not report the incident and is later forced to plead with Ray to buy her an abortion. Meanwhile, Tamera buys new shoes that just don’t fit quite right. What a predicament!
Step by Step
In an example of an actor's true personality showing onstage, Suzanne Somers politely asks Cody (played by the alleged domestic abuser Sasha Mitchell) to finally move his van out of the family’s driveway, at which point Cody loses his temper and throws nearby Mark Foster through a wooden coffee table. As he is bludgeoning his cowering stepbrother in the middle of the living room, they both realize how ironic it is that Mark is literally being beaten like the red-headed stepchild that he is. A good chuckle is had.
Boy Meets World
In an alternate ending from the episode where Cory and Topanga fall asleep editing their video project in the janitor closet, Cory initially brags about fucking Topanga like he originally did. Used condoms are then discovered in the closet and they both have some serious explaining to do! Just as they are both about to be disciplined, Shawn comes forward to admit that Mr. Turner has been touching his “Mr. Feeney” in strange locations as of late. An important moral is learned: moving in with your motorcycle-riding high school English teacher is rarely a good idea.
Family Matters
In this hilarious family sitcom that was basically just a black version of Step by Step, Urkel grows tired of getting shot down and made fun of by every single character on the show and sets a new goal of becoming more confident and less passive when dealing with people. Consequentially, he strangles Eddie Winslow with his suspenders during the following segment.
Sabrina, the Teenage Witch
Salem, the creepy little wizard cat, discovers the ultimate spell: making Melissa Joan Heart shut the fuck up. But similar to many male viewers, Salem was unable to determine if Caroline Rhea was attractive or not.
Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
In what was perhaps the most emotional television moment of the decade, Will Smith is visited by a shaken Carlton in the hospital after Will was shot during a robbery. On the director's cut version of this DVD which doesn't exist, Carlton leans in at the end of the episode to hug Will before going out to get vengeance on the shooter, when his newly acquired concealed handgun misfires and instantly kills the hospitalized Will. Carlton is so distraught that he immediately turns the gun on himself just as the rest of the Banks family walks in.
Credits roll.