From: Museum of Natural and Also Regular History <taxiwaxydollmuseum@longlac.com>
To: Longlac School Board Trustees
CC: Longlac Animal Control, Ripley’s Believe It or Not!
Subject: Your recent school visit
Dear Trustees,
We here at the Taxidermy, Waxwork, and Doll Museum of Natural History and Also Regular History wish to encourage interactive learning among our young visitors. That being said, as a result of certain incidents that occurred on December 10, 2024, during the visit by your students to our facility, we have found it provident to revise our current Code of Conduct to reflect our expectations of future student visitors, should you choose to return, viz.:
1. Please refrain from feeding the taxidermic animals, as they are deceased. We are aware that some of our exhibits “look like skin and bones.” That is because they are. There is no need to report us to the animal welfare authorities for “failure to provide the necessities of life.” Additionally, there is no need to call in a veterinarian to “make sure that none of them are still breathing.” And on the “skin and bones” front, please note that we cannot stuff the animals any further than we already have without making them look ludicrous.
1.1. On the same note, please refrain from stuffing the animals yourselves. Even though the mouths of some of the exhibits are open, they are not “asking for it,” as apparently one of your students believed when she attempted to determine how many Thin Mints would fit in the spiny echidna’s mouth. After conferring with our conservator (Cedric) who spent the worst part of an afternoon extracting the material in question, we can confirm the answer is “3,” which information will be added to the educational plaque accompanying this exhibit, to forestall any future experiments.
2. Please refrain from kicking the waxwork likeness of Canada’s first Prime Minister, Sir John A. Macdonald, between his legs. We understand that he was somewhat of a “dick,” as one of your students put it, to Canada’s Indigenous peoples, but the man himself is far beyond feeling any physical pain that could result from the impact of said student’s foot. We can assure you that his waxwork likewise cannot feel it “where it counts,” as he was not designed to be anatomically correct in that area [cf. paragraphs 3–6].
2.1. Additionally, placing a bottle of prune juice in the hand of the waxwork Sir John A. Macdonald results in an historically inaccurate portrayal of the man. Understand that our conservator (Cedric) takes pains to ensure authenticity of this exhibit by dousing Sir John A. Macdonald liberally with Glenlivet every morning, as he would have historically done on his way to Parliament.
3. Please do not stick mechanical pencils up the nostrils of the waxwork Galileo to “see where his brain is.” Be assured: It is not there.
4. And again, on the subject of anatomical accuracy: Please refrain from inserting squirt guns into the gentlemen’s bathing costumes on the mannequins in the Edwardian beach exhibit. While it may look more anatomically correct, it is not period; from a historical standpoint, the advent of the Edwardian men’s bathing costume predates the invention of the miniature Super Soaker by nearly eight decades, compounded by the fact that the Super Soaker is a unisex toy. Additionally, our conservator (Cedric) experiences profound embarrassment on having to extricate the items in question.
5. To whomever waxed the eyebrow from Friedrich Nietzsche’s forehead and then subsequently applied it to Abraham Lincoln’s upper lip in the apparent belief that it was “a gap that needed filling”: The wisdom of Mr. Miyagi aside, “wax on, wax off” is not our museum’s guiding principle.
6. And one final note on the subject of anatomical correctness: Carving points into the chest of the woodwork figure of Captain Robert Falcon Scott on the grounds that “His nipples would have been erect due to the Antarctic temperatures.” Your students have clearly been reading too much fan fiction. Our conservator (Cedric) now has copious blisters on his hands on account of having to spend four hours sandpapering Captain Scott’s chest back to its original topography.
Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.
Yours (and I do not mean that literally),
Edward Sands, Director, and on behalf of our conservator (Cedric)
Taxidermy, Waxwork, and Doll Museum of Natural History and Also Regular History