Good evening, Contestant, and welcome back to So You Think You're About to Fall Asleep?—the anxiety-fueled game show where the stakes are low, the embarrassment is high, and catching some Zzz's is but a distant dream! I’m your host, Your Own Brain, here to ruin your night once again.
Let’s meet tonight’s lineup of contenders, shall we?
First up, we’ve got That Email You Sent Your Boss Last Week Regarding Your Upcoming Time Off. You think you were you gentle enough in reminding them of the dates you'll be out of office, but who knows. What if it came off as rude or entitled? But you don’t want to seem weak either, like that time you “let the client walk all over you.”
Should you send another email first thing tomorrow morning? And if so, how many exclamation marks do you put after the groveling “Thank you for your understanding” sign-off?
Next, say hello to That Time You Accidentally Said “You Too” to The Waiter After They Said “Enjoy Your Meal.” It's been nearly a decade, but let’s replay it frame by frame just to make sure it’s still as horrifying as it felt back then. They had just sat your loud, sizzling skillet of fajitas down on the table, so the entire Applebee's dining room was staring in your direction. Did you get stage fright? Had you forgotten how words work? Was there a glitch in The Matrix? So many things had to misfire for such a simple exchange to go so terribly awry.
And don’t forget to wonder if the waiter still thinks about this moment, too!
And we couldn’t forget the perennial favorite, The Outfits You’ve Worn to Every Wedding You’ve Ever Attended. Were you overdressed or underdressed? Did you insult the entire family on one side by wearing a color palette similar to that of the wedding party? Did your best friend’s grandma accidentally see your tattoo and now refers to you as “the slutty one?”
Moving on! It’s time to spin The Wheel of Inconsequential Regrets! What will it land on? Could it be:
- That Poorly-Timed Joke You Made In A Job Interview in 2014
- That Time You Audibly Farted On an Elevator With a B-list Celebrity In It
- Or even, That Time You Saw Your Old Teacher, Mrs. Davidson, at the Grocery Store, Had a Long, Pleasant Conversation, And On The Way Home Remembered Her Name is Mrs. Richardson
And coming up after the break, there’s a special surprise round: A Random Cringey Memory From Middle School You Haven’t Thought About in 26 Years. That’s right, it’s that incident. You know the one. How did you let that happen? And during gym class no less! Yikes! Let’s relive this mortifying occasion in stunning HD!
But wait, there’s more! In tonight’s final round, we’re introducing a brand-new segment called “Are They Still Mad at Me?” where we’ll take a completely innocent exchange and twist it into a tangled mess of paranoia. Did they sound upset or annoyed in that text? Have they stopped liking your posts? Did that “LOL” really mean “laughing out loud,” or was it code for “you’re an insufferable idiot”?
As always, there are no winners here on So You Think You're About to Fall Asleep?, only bleary-eyed losers doomed to wake up tired and still a bit rattled.
But don’t worry, we’ll be back again tomorrow night, same time, same place, same overworked amygdala, and with even more socially irrelevant lowlights from your haunted past!
Until then, good luck falling asleep, Contestant! And remember: the answer is yes, that Applebee’s waiter absolutely still thinks about that moment, too. Probably. Definitely. Maybe,
Cue the theme music—Oh wait, it’s just your heartbeat echoing in your ears.
Goodnight!