I’ve noticed a common thread in what my readers have said about me…that is, that I’m a pompous asshole/misogynistic fucker. And while there may be some truth to that…Well, I didn’t know what to think about it. I mean, while nearly get off when I’m called a “rabid dog of justice” or I have my compassion compared to that of a snake or a pit-bull, I thought I’d let you know more about the other side. It’s only fair to give you both perspectives of the quagmire that is me.
So before we travel to the other side of the moon, I’d like to apologize to you readers who think I’m some big asshole pig…I don’t mean to prove you wrong. =)
I suggest that you grab a box of tissues, dim the lights, and put on some Air Supply.
I present:
51 Things you shouldn’t know about me, but I’m telling you anyways…
1. I’d like to quit smoking some day.
2. I’m a cat person.
Dogs are alright and all; I just appreciate the cat's disposition.
3. I could have made an easy pussy reference there and I didn’t.
4. When I’m sick, I take baths.
I usually take showers, of course. But when I’m sick or in a bad mood, I draw the water, pour a glass of Rolling Rock, put on Monster Ballads, light candles and take a bath. It’s a pretty standard norm, for me at least, to have your sister in the tub with me also. She says likes the bubbles, but I think she likes my phallus.
5. I’m only kidding. I admire your sister and fully respect her wishes
to sleep with me.
6. I’m only kidding. I appreciate her and accept that she’s a lesbian.
7. I sometimes smoke menthols.
8. There are certain liquors I dislike, vodka being one of them.
I love gin and whiskey, though.
9. I prefer fried chicken over steak, beer over liquor, and books over movies.
10. I recently cancelled my subscriptions to Playboy, Penthouse, and Chocolate Love.
11. I wash my hands after I use the bathroom.
12. I wash my hands after masturbation.
13. I run out of soap often.
14. I never, at any point in my life, have owned or want to own a gun, a knife or a hand grenade.
15. I find guys who use weapons in fights to be biggest pussies.
16. I have a very big soft-spot for graceful, lady-like women.
17. For a girlfriend, I’m a gentleman
Yep. Even with all of this talk of hookers and woman management (plug!). Though I should say that I’m NOT a gentleman to stupid broads, whores or girls I just generally dislike. I could care less about opening the door for a bitch.
18. In 8th grade, I was stood up on a date because I was overweight and unpopular.
19. I didn’t kill the bitch.
20. I don’t speed.
Not really because I’m a pussy. More because my car can’t go over 40 mph. And there’s no heat in it. And the windshield wipers don’t work. And there’s a few dents in it…
21. REO Speedwagon is one of my favorite bands.
22. “Keep on Loving You” is one of my favorite songs.
23. I’ll sing in the shower or in my car, poorly.
24. When my roommates aren’t here.
25. I lie about my penis size.
26. I underestimate it so it won’t scare girls away.
Didn’t expect that, eh?
27. I love my family.
28. I just thought about my parents after writing about my penis.
29. Sick.
30. I love your mom.
That’s better.
31. I support gay marriage.
32. I could have said “if both chicks are nice-looking” there, but I didn’t.
33. I just used the term “nice-looking”
34. I used to blush when I bought condoms
35. I bought condoms from my grandma
36. I obviously have an odd mental connection between my family and sex because of this.
Obviously, I'm just fucking around. My grandma was a bank teller.
37. I hate to lose, but I’ll intentionally let up if I’m beating the piss out of somebody in a sport/video game. I try to be secretive about it so that the person losing feels better about things.
Halo 2 and Basketball are the only exceptions.
38. Rain depresses me. Snow has the opposite effect.
39. I have an iron stomach, yet will never drink milk with fried food.
Milk + grease= sickness
40. I eventually want to get married, have kids…the whole deal
41. One of my favorite shows is “Ed, Edd and Eddy”
Double D reminds me of my childhood. heh.
42. I dislike rich people. A lot.
Not because of jealousy, but because wealthy people generally don’t realize what life really is about, in my opinion.
43. I keep two pictures on my desk: one, a drawing of a silver Ford Mustang by my little brother who was 7 at the time of its drawing and is now 10; two, the poem “Funeral Blues” by W.H. Auden in a silver frame.
44. My good friend Tom shot himself nearly three years ago. December 13th, 2004. Nothing has changed me more than this.
45. I write poetry and read it for beer money
46. I like going to and participating in class
47. I am what I eat
Explained: Oh c’mon. You knew it was coming. Besides, if I’m going to lie about everything else in this list, I might as well have you thinking I’m eager to lick them down there.
48. I'm not.
49. When I say I’m going to do something for somebody, I do it. No excuses.
50. I call men older than me “sir” and women older than me “ma’am.” I say “Please” and “Thank You” and I wave at traffic when they let me in or help me out. I immediately hate fucks who don’t do any of these.
51. Two summers ago, I jumped off a bridge that’s about 100 feet off the ground into a river. It was the biggest rush of my life; but, I’m never doing that shit ever again.
And if you can't deal with this:
Fuck you kindly. =)