My favorite team (the Ravens) made the playoffs. This would seem to be an exciting development, and it was, but goddamn this weekend is going to be rough. I mean if they lose, my fandom is done for the season. Sure watching the other games will be fun, but the great games only are so great; it doesn’t compare to the highs and lows of watching the only team that fucking matters to you. Playoff games are 60 minutes of eating, drinking, and threatening the guys you see on TV with bodily harm. I’d enjoy four more weeks of this. So this is where eight fan bases sit this weekend. Four get to move on as underdogs and a lot of "Nobody believed in us!" talk. The rest get a free domestic assualt.*
*Redeemable only in Philadelphia.
Saturday
Jets @ Bengals
4:30 on NBC
One of Three rematches from Week 17, this game should be the dullest of the weekend slate. Not as dull as Jay Leno, but still only paint drying is worse than that. Either way Rex Ryan’s spending the night at a seedy New Jersey strip club.
Eagles @ Cowboys
8:00 on NBC
If you want to make this game funnier, just imagine Andy Reid placing a dinner order every time he’s shown reading his play sheet. "Ah yes, I’ll have the Baconwich. Oh and can I get my hash browns with extra chili sauce and mushrooms?" Also, imagine Wade Phillips screaming "RIBS!" when he does the hokey "arms in the air" celebration. Trust me, it’s hilarious.
Sunday
Ravens @ Patriots
1:00PM on CBS
As Bill Simmons would’ve told you weeks ago, Tom Brady has broken ribs. Yeah Bill, we heard you. I swear! Please go back to recording podcasts with your buddies, writing one mediocre column a week, and name dropping Jimmy Kimmel every five sentences. Oh and get ready for the announcers to fellate Wes Welker every time the Pats go three and out. "Well that’s what happens when you lose the grittiest receiver in football." No guys, it’s what happens when Randy Moss stops trying in Week 13 and your "Genius" Belicheck has built a team incapable of running the ball. FUCK’EM!
Packers @ The Buzzsaw That is the Arizona Cardinals
4:40 on FOX
This game’s got a chance to be a high scoring shit show….if Jesus lets '99 Kurt Warner shows up. 1999 Kurt Warner can throw 50 yard bombs with his cock while reading the entire book of Ezekiel. If 2009 Warner shows? Then get ready for FavreFest Part 3 next week.
ENJOY THE GAMES!