The playoffs are here and all across America, bookies are smiling from ear to ear in anticipation of taking my money. In addition to my money, they’ll probably be taking your hard earned Johnny Cash as well. You see, it’s tough to bet on the playoffs. The level of play rises, the mistakes are magnified, and there’re only four games for us to gamble on at the most each week (which gives Vegas more time to analyze each game and set the appropriate spread). Clearly, the playoffs require a special effort rarely seen in the regular season.
So, to symbolize the all-or-nothing mentality of the playoffs, I’m not picking these games alone. That’s right, sports fans, PIC legend and actual sports journalist, Justin Rebello is back to answer questions, make his picks and insult… well, whoever and whatever he wants (that’s his style. And, according to the last time I read the constitution, it’s also his right). Anyway, first I’ll pick them games, then I’ll ask Justin a few questions, then he’ll do the same, and then I’ll make fun of his lousy picks. Eventually this will turn into an all out blood-feud that leaves thousands of people literally wondering what happened to the last few minutes of their lives. Anyway, let’s get to the picks, huh?
BUCCANEERS (-2½) over Redskins
Don’t you get the feeling that Joe Gibbs and John Gruden, if they drank together in a bar, would arm wrestle for the tab, with Gruden winning easily and Gibbs holding his right shoulder afterwards and saying something to the effect of, “Twenty years ago I could have taken you”? That’s how I see this game breaking out. Twenty years ago, Gibbs would have won. Not this Saturday, though. And yes, I put $50 on this.
Jaguars (+7½) over PATRIOTS
Before you get pissed off, New England fans, please note that I fully expect the Patriots to win with one of those two minute drives that ends with a Vinatieri field goal (I think Brady and Vinatieri may have trademarked this, by the way). But the Jags have been underrated all season. They covered about six spreads for me this year, and there’s something to be said for loyalty. Now, all that being typed out, I did not put any money on this game.
Panthers (+3) GIANTS
Deciding between Jake Delhomme and Eli Manning is like picking between ‘N Synch and the Back Street Boys. Either way, you sell tickets, but well… you won’t go very far for very long. I’m taking the Panthers because Delhomme has been there before. I guess that means something (note: I’m not betting this one either).
Steelers (-3) Over BENGALS
Now we’re talking. An ancient rivalry between a battle tested team and a bunch of flaky dreamers with names like Carson and Chad. Let me tell you something: Carson and Chad always get their asses kicked by the Bens and Jeromes of this world. It’s a rule. That’s why I put $50 on this one as well.
Mr. Rebello, if you would submit your picks and then answer the following and then wrap this up with a nice little bow like Joe Buck put on the box that held the Tiffany diamond-encrusted-watch he and McCarver bought Derek Jeter after their voyage on the Blue Oyster Man-Love-Cruise (I got the first McCarver insult of the email exchange. Take that, Rebello!), I would be much obliged.
My prediction for the Super Bowl is Colts versus Bears. It should be an interesting one, if you like blowouts. Justin, what’s your prediction for the Super Bowl?
Bill Simmons wrote often about his five year grace period (he stated that, if your team wins a championship, you have five years until you can bitch about the team again). As a Buc’s fan whose team won the Super Bowl four years ago, I can honestly say that it’s almost impossible to go five years without bitching about a losing team. I know you’re aware of this grace period, so please tell me some examples of hard times you’ve been having watching your championship teams and trying not to complain. That’d be nice.
Do you think Mikey is gay? Seriously, I’m starting to wonder.
What was your favorite story of the NFL regular season? Personally, I like the whole “our fans are banning together to get our lousy GM fired” thing going on in Detroit. But I’m a sucker for mutiny.
From Justin Rebello
NDUG, sup?
I can't even believe we're trying this again. The last two times we did these little blog battles, we both ended up crying about our shitty baseball teams and you were standing outside my window with binoculars, frantically sending me the same email: “So seriously, what would be your ideal sports bar? I know you can hear me. I will not be ignored!” This time, let's see if we can at least make it until conference championships, eh? OK, here we go. I'll answer your questions in garbled order first, then the picks.
Yes. Mikey is gay. In fact, I would describe him as Brokeback Mountainy.
My favorite story from the regular season is Clinton Portis having to dress up as superhero characters at his press conferences just so everyone forgets (at least for a second) how inconsistent of a back he is. I'm dying to see LaMont Jordan in drag next year.
The five-year grace period, by Simmons' definition, is idiotic. The Pats have won three titles in four years, so by my count, they could go 0-240 over the next 15 years and I'm not supposed to be upset. I can see being a little more relaxed, but to say you're not allowed to bitch if your team sucks after winning a title, I mean, what's the point of following a team if that's the case? I think Simmons just invented it to shut up annoying Yankees fans.
As for the Super Bowl, I like Indy and Seattle, because I don't really understand football. I have a fantasy team and know Shaun Alexander and Peyton Manning are both very good. I also don't listen when people tell me coaching and defense wins championships. I also haven't noticed that both teams live to die in January. I also listen to everything Mark Schlereth tells me about the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. I'm also very sarcastic.
Denver vs. Chicago on Feb. 5. Print it.
Redskins (+2½) over BUCS
As long as we're completely ripping off Simmons here, allow me to make this time-honored joke: SIMMS! BRUNELL! It's Wild Card Weekend on FOX! So anyway, this has the potential to be the most boring way to spend 2.5 hours this side of a George Clooney-Matt Damon oil trading movie. And since everyone and their mother expects a defensive struggle, I'm going the other way and predicting some kind of offensive fiasco, one of those games you turn on in the fourth quarter and see Brunell has four TDs and is passing for 350 yards, and gamblers all across the country are tossing their UNDER receipts at their starving four-year-old kids. I love America.
I kind of want to pick the Bucs if only because it'll keep you interested in this shit longer and Jon Gruden's actually won a Super Bowl since Dog's Eye View. But I don't see it. Not after what the Pats did to the Bucs three weeks ago, and not after what the ‘Skins did the last month of the year. One final note. Some lady called the Globe on Monday and asked me what the Tampa Bay running back's real first name is. And seriously, I was this close to saying “It's not Cadillac?” What can I say except “Fuck the NFC”?
Panthers (+3) over GIANTS
Part of me, as a fervent Peyton Manning hater, would love to see Eli and the Giants roll through the playoffs and win a Super Bowl. Wouldn't it be hysterical to watch Eli hold the trophy in some family picture with Peyton holding another worthless MVP award? It would be like the scene in Everybody Loves Raymond where Robert buys Ray that sweet toy plane and Ray buys Robert golf balls. Just thinking about it is almost enough to make me root for a New York team. Not quite, but almost.
Anyway, even though Carolina is neck and neck with Seattle as the worst serious Super Bowl contender, I'll take a solid defense, outstanding coach and a Super Bowl QB over an overrated tight end, a crappy kicker, a bitch of a QB and a running back named Tiki.
Steelers (-3) Over BENGALS
The easiest game on the board. As much as I love Carson and Chad (which I think is premiering as part of NBC's new Super Thursday at some point), I'll take the great D and running corps. Oh yeah, and the team that didn't lose to KC by 41 points. Seriously, do you think the Steel is really going to allow the Bungles to beat them in a playoff game? Wouldn't that be a little like Cam'Ron outselling DMX?
PATRIOTS (-7.5) over Jacksonville
First, a few thoughts on the Pats game last week. Don't know if you realized this, but the Pats officially became a dynasty on Sunday. When you lose a game to Miami and everyone (and I mean, everyone) assumes you did it on purpose to get a better playoff matchup, well that says something.
And second, I'm from New England. I love the Pats. I love Flutie. With that said, who gives a rats ass about that extra point play last week? What is this? NFL Blitz?
Ok, on to the game. After the Pats loss matched them up with the Jags, everyone in Boston started playing the whole “easy matchup” card. And that got me thinking, Jax is 12-4. Are they really this bad? Turns out they have a very good defense and running game, and a pair of QBs who don't screw things up. So on Sunday, I said, nay. The Jags will win next week.
So then Wednesday rolls around and everyone in Jacksonville is bitching about respect, leading up to Jimmy Smith's soon-to-be infamous line “They'll know us when we beat them.” Because it's always smart to give a two-time defending Super Bowl champ some bulletin board material. So now, with all the bitching about Jacksonville getting zero respect, everyone is on board their bandwagon. It happens that fast. It's like how in the past two weeks everyone forgot how much better USC is and picked Texas, again because of the respect issue. (Justin's Note: this was written on Wednesday, so if in fact USC loses, completely disregard this and anything else I ever have to say about football). Finally, I decided. You know what? Fuck it. I'm picking the champs.
Three Qs for you, kind sir.
1. Who is the worst coach in the NFL? And you may also include the list of 617 who were fired this past week.
2. Say you're Matt Leinart and the Saints draft you. Do you go? Bonus points if you can make fun of hurricane victims.
3. Have you been watching Madden Nation? Seriously, you need to watch this show.