Warning: Like all of my running diaries, this one’s kind of long.
It’s a beautiful day here in Tampa, Florida. We’ve got highs in the eighties, lows in the sixties (I’m talking Fahrenheit here, people) and there ain’t a cloud in the sky. A smarter man would be at the beach, covered in coconut oil and eyeing all the hot chicks in bikinis, but as my friend Aaron always said, “What’s potential if it’s not wasted?” (Really, there’s no other way to measure potential.) So, because I have been blessed with a beautiful day that also features a Cardinal’s game and Game 7 of the LeBron series (that’s Cavaliers versus Pistons to everyone who hates me for referring to that series as if one player is the only person that matters in a basketball game), I will once again don my Bill Simmons’ rip off cap, and use the running diary format to let you know exactly how I wasted this gorgeous day.
I wish I was better at segues.
1:05 PM: Amy (my girlfriend) and I just returned home from grocery shopping where I let her know that I would be writing a running diary today. Her response, “Oh, God!” She really hates when I do this.
1:07: We just found out that “The Natural” is on cable. We got a baseball movie! First pitch of the Cardinals’ game is in one hour. I can’t wait. Amy, well, she can wait.
1:09: You know you’re growing up when you get excited that sweet cherries are in season and available at the grocery store. Man, those things are mighty tasty. That’s right, I wrote, “mighty tasty.” What’s worse is: I meant it.
1:15: Amy just agreed to do my laundry. I think I’ll keep her.
1:19: “The Natural” is an awesome movie. Really, words don’t do it justice. Which is a shame because words are what I do here. If you read this diary long enough, eventually I’ll make a point. So stick around for that.
1:28: There are those who say that a man who drinks before Four PM is an alcoholic. To those people I say, “My name is Nathan… and this is my first beer of the day.”
1:34: My neighbor just came by to let me know it’s his 25th birthday. He can rent a car, now. Good for him. When he asked me what I was doing today and I told him I was keeping a running diary of the day’s events, he simply replied, “Yeah, well I’ll holla at ya’ later.” Sometimes I don’t think people get me.
1:35: Glenn Close just stood up in her white hat, causing Roy Hobbs to hit a homerun and get out of his slump. Roy Hobbs is back! Man, I love this movie. More to the point though, Amy came out of the shower and watched Hobbs hit the homerun and she made some gleeful noises. I think there’s a baseball fan in her yet. This is a good sign, people. Not as good as those signs that say “Open Bar” at wedding receptions, but still very good.
1:42: We need to keep Amy away from the computer. I just caught her sneaking a peek at this. Maybe I can convince her to clean my place. You know, anything to keep her busy.
1:49: Amy just came in and told me that she’s trying out a new hair product that’s supposed to increase something or other (I’m bad at listening). She then added, “So you can put that in your diary.” So there you go. What other site offers you updates on the success of a random hair product while babbling about sports? Answer: three. But I think The Nate Way is the best of them. Of course, I’m a little biased.
1:57: Neighbor Ryan just showed up to bum smokes and kick back while his girlfriend (soon to be fiancée) goes to orientation for her new job where she will be making considerably more than me. I majored in Creative Writing. She majored in Electrical Engineering. There’s a lesson here.
2:02: Lesson number 437 from my dad: “Always keep some frosty mugs around and you’ll increase your overall happiness almost daily.” What can I say? The man is wise.
2:11: Aaron Miles just lead off with a base hit for the Cards. Fortunately, we’re getting the Kansas City announcers for this one. Everyone in St. Louis who has to listen to Al Hrabosky is jealous of me right now. Man, Al sucks.
2:13: While I was writing all this, the Royals got out of the inning by facing the minimum. Ryan and Amy are discussing the finer points of keeping a boyfriend/girlfriend in line. Sometimes, I think they should just stick a camera in my apartment and call it a reality show. The weirdos flock to my apartment like bums on tourists.
2:17: Amy on Royals’ third baseman Estban German: “He looks like he’s stuck up.” I’m telling you, I can’t imagine watching baseball without her startling observations. How did I get along without her?
2:28: Esteban German just looked like a ten year old while fielding a pop up. Meanwhile, the conversation between Ryan and Amy has covered the gamut from hookers, Mexicans, Cubans, Puerto Ricans, over the road trucking and Canadian movies. Seriously, I wish you were here right now. Words can’t do this conversation justice.
2:30: Reason number forty seven why I love the baseball package: commercials from other towns. There’s a big haired, chubby woman selling furniture in KC and well, I swear, if she’s human, I’m not sure I want to be one anymore.
2:40: Amy just put apple vodka in both orange juice and sweet tea and gave them to Ryan so he could drink whichever one he hates the least. It is his birthday, after all.
2:50: The Royals have two on with two out and their number three hitter coming up in a scoreless game. And Amy is thus far pleased with her hair product. So that’s nice.
2:52: Cards pitcher Jeff Suppan just issued his second walk, loading the bases. Cardinal pitching coach Dave Duncan came out to the mound to tell Suppan that he’s disappointed in his pitching, but that he still loves him anyway. And, if you’re scoring at home, I’m on beer number five.
2:55: The Cards get out of the inning unscathed. Gotta love baseball. Where else can you use the word “unscathed” without sounding like a total tool?
2:59: Albert Pujols just hit his twenty second home run (this one to the opposite field). I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: he can have his way with my woman if he wants. I mean, I think I love him.
3:07: And the Royals tie the ballgame with a two out base hit.
3:10: You know, she’ll do my laundry, but she won’t fold it. Some women…
3:17: Right after I finished telling Ryan that the only reason the Cards drafted Chris Duncan was because his dad is our pitching coach, and shortly after Ryan told me how sorry that was, and two seconds after Amy called Chris Duncan cute, he hit a homerun. There’s a lesson here, but I’m not smart enough to figure out what it is. At any rate, we’re up by two.
3:18: And Luna hits another homerun. Clearly, Royals pitchers rock. We’re now up by three.
3:20: I forgot to point out that there are more Cardinal fans than Royals fans at the game, today. I’ve been to Kansas City, and I can honestly say that those good people do not deserve such a crappy team. I mean really. Spend some cash and stop overpaying for crappy players. Man, I hate shitty management.
3:43: Amy and I are cooking together. She’s got the vegetables, I got the meat. To quote her, “This is soooooo cute.” Man, I need another beer.
3:46: Some guy named Aaron just hit a homerun to make this
a two run game. I wonder what’s up with the basketball game.
3:48: In the LeBron game, Detroit is up by nine points and in my kitchen, the vegetables are almost done. Writing one of these diaries is the closest I can come to multitasking. My woman is talking to me (about stupid shit), I have two games to watch and I’m cooking. I mean, I make sacrifices for this blog. Remember that when I eventually go insane and end up in a mental hospital for “accidentally” dressing up like Elmer Fudd and accosting high school chicks.
And you think I’m kidding.
3:53: The basketball game doesn’t look so good (I’m tired of the Pistons always winning), the baseball game does look good, and the steak looks mighty tasty. That’s right, I have used the term “mighty tasty” twice in the same post. I think I’m getting old or something.
3:59: One of the dumbass Royals just gave us a run by throwing a ball away. And, in case you’re scoring at home, the steaks and veggies are delicious.
4:06: The food was great, my neighbors need to stop bumming stuff off me (Neighbor Terry came by and grabbed a beer) and the Cardinals are still winning. Oh, and Amy will not stop reading over my shoulder. I mean, what does she think, here? Does she think the finished product won’t be posted in a few minutes? Does she just lack patience? Whatever her problem is, it has reinforced my belief that marriage is just a bad idea. I mean, really, why live with a girl? (Feel free to answer that.)
4:08: Ahh, beer number seven. Lucky number seven. And, for effect, I’ll just add, ahh.
4:12: At the risk of stating the obvious, the Royals suck. We’re up four runs now. And, with a base open, the Royals are intentionally walking Pujols. I hope this pisses (next batter) Jim Edmonds off.
4:14: I think they pissed Edmonds off. He just drove in two with a single. I’m getting out the broom. I’m smelling a sweep. (And yes, that was metaphorical. I actually don’t own a broom.)
4:17: The Cards add a run on a Spezio single and Edmonds gets called out at the plate on a really close play, but I just don’t care. When you’re playing the Royals and you’re beating up on them, it’s just hard to get mad about the calls. I mean, if this game were a car, I wouldn’t drive it (and yes, I don’t know what that means—cut me a break, I’ve been drinking).
4:21: I’m being propositioned. It’s sex time. I’ll be back in a few.
4:53: And the Cardinals have about locked this game up. Amy wants us to slaughter them and get more runs (we have the bases loaded) and So Taguchi just helped by reaching base and getting a run home. She’s pleased. That’s important. Myself, well, I could go to sleep right now. This game is over. We’ll switch to the basketball game in a few.
5:02: Neighbor Terry just came over and offered to pick us up some supplies. Gotta love this neighborhood sometimes. Sometimes you really do.
5:04: And the Cards win. Let’s watch some basketball. Man, I love sports.
5:08: The Pistons are up by five and Amy got a phone call. Ahh, silence.
5:14: Amy just spilled orange juice all over the inside of my fridge. Just so you know, my girlfriend is a major klutz. I’m honestly lucky she didn’t break a bone trying to clean the mess up.
5:21: Neighbor Terry is back with supplies. He went to two different stores to get my girl her favorite gum. I wouldn’t even do that. Maybe, I’m a crappy boyfriend. What do I mean, maybe?
5:34: For whatever reason, Amy is now asking Terry about hookers. I don’t know where I find these women. Also, we’ve switched to vodka. So look for my writing to get more incoherent (I know you didn’t think that was possible, but we’re all full of surpises at The Nate Way).
5:40: Amy just left to get more vodka (don’t worry; I’m buying) and Terry offers the following as his recipe for fun: two frozen pink lemonades, a six pack of bottled Coors, a liter of vodka (no pussy flavored shit). Mix it all together (every single thing in there), stir, poor and get arrested. He says it tastes better than a wine cooler (so chicks will drink it) and fucks girls up like rophynol cocktails. And yes, I love this neighborhood.
5:56: I feel like I’m failing you as a sports reporter. It’s not my fault. I blame the vodka and guest (everything is someone else’s fault). Anyway, we’ve been on the porch bullshitting about the kind of things people bullshit about when they drink. The next few minutes are gonna be hilarious. Seriously, I’m having trouble typing. This is gonna be sad.
6:01: Amy just cracked open some club soda and spilled it all over my floor. My girlfriend is a drunk klutz. I have to live with this. It’s apparently my cross to bare. Amy wants me to let you know that it’s all okay ‘cause she’s great in bed. No officer, we haven’t been drinking.
6:06: This basketball game is over. It sucked. I wish I had a joke here.
6:15: Well, I’m drunk. Amy wants to go out to eat. Terry and I want to finish this bottle. So the running diary is over. Don’t cry. We’ll always have Texas.
Thanks for spending the day with me.