Me: I love any excuse to wear a sweater because it saves me seventy seconds of extra time every morning. You know, since I don’t have to button a shirt.
Me: I love any excuse to wear a sweater because it saves me seventy seconds of extra time every morning. You know, since I don’t have to button a shirt.
Subway Girl: Are you gonna order something?
Me: Hey, how do you think Robert Redford reacted the day he found out his face was more wrinkled than his penis?
Tom: Dude, what the fuck?
Tara: You seem like you’re in a good mood.
Me: I’m in a great mood. I’m in an awesome mood. I couldn’t love people more right now if I tried. The only thing that could possibly make me happier would be if you walked right over here and sucked me off.
Tom: Dude, you can’t say things like that.
Tara: Would you calm down? God, what do you do when you’re home alone?
Me: I write.
Tara: After that?
Me: I masturbate. I mean shit, if I’m alone…
Jen: Yet another example of shit you’re not supposed to say out loud.
Me: When it gets cold like this, I wish I had a fireplace.
Six: It’s almost sixty degrees.
Me: You trying to make a point, here?
Me: I can’t tell if this guy’s making fun of me or flattering me by imitation.
Mike: The guy who wrote that?
Me: Yeah.
Mike: What’d he write?
Me: He did his own version of the snippets, except he called his, Slices.
Mike: You hungry?
Me: Yeah, a little.
Emmy: I love seeing everyone in their winter clothes. Everyone looks so festive and Christmasy.
Tom: We live in Tampa.
Jess: You can’t just come behind the bar and serve your own beer.
Greg: Well, you looked busy.
Jess: I was busy. But that doesn’t give you the right to go behind the bar.
Greg: Well, how the hell else am I supposed to get my beer the minute I want it?
Me: He has a point.
Luke: Dude, think about this. The weather is worse everywhere else in America.
Me: It’s warmer in Diego.
Luke: You can’t count San Diego, man. It’s always nice there.
Me: That’s why you’d be right if we were there. Here, however, you are wrong.
Luke: I see. You’re in Jerk Mode. That’s cool. Hey, a pool table…
Rich: Have you ever shot anyone?
Me: No.
Rich: Me neither. I’ll bet it feels weird.
Me: Well yeah, it would be different.
Rich: If I joined the army—
Me: Dude, it was just one test. It’s not worth dropping out over.
Rich: I got a 7 percent, man. A fucking 7. That’s like a big sign that says, “Drop out.”
Me: No. It’s a little sign that screams, “Study, dumbass.”
Rich: Why are you such a dick lately?
Nick: Who was Rosa Parks?
Me: She was that woman that refused to sit in the back of the bus in Alabama. She was like a civil rights folk hero. Why?
Nick: While you were pissing, Major League Baseball just asked us to take a moment of silence in her honor. Why did they want her in the back of the bus anyway?
Me: It was a segregation thing. Blacks had to sit in the back.
Nick: When I was in school, that was the cool place to sit.
Me: You’re an idiot.
Me: Why did major league baseball feel we needed a moment of silence for Rosa Parks, anyway?
Nick: She died right before the national anthem. I guess she was an Astros fan or something.