From: Nathan Degraaf [Nathan@chunkylover.net]Sent: Friday, February 01, 2008 9:00 AM
To: Xavier Holland [X@Iambetterlookingthanyou.com]Subject: Email exchange
The Super Bowl is coming!
God I love this weekend. When I was a kid, the Friday we got off school before SB weekend was filled with anticipation and longing. Nowadays, because I am a full-fledged adult with health insurance and all the trimmings, I am still filled with anticipation and longing. I love the Super Bowl. I can remember every one I've ever seen, going back to the one when I was eight where my Dad bet me on it and took the money when I lost. He said he was teaching me a lesson, but I found out later that if we had played the spread I would have won.
I come by my personality honestly.
Anyway, lay down your thoughts on the Super Bowl as an interpersonal event and get back to me when you can. I know it's early, but you seem like the kind of guy who can handle it.
From: Xavier Holland
To: Nathan Degraaf
Wait, you got the Friday off of school before the Super Bowl? No wonder you consider it a holiday. Although, I think if I were to have any day off, it would be the Monday afterwards…
In other news, the last week and a half I've been avoiding espn.com except for the bare basics. I don't care what was on Tom Brady's foot, or what Giants punter and long snapper's Jeff Feagles farts smell like. I say do away with the extra weak. That's right. These whole seven days are weak sauce.
I probably have just about the best possible track records in terms of teams having gotten in the Super Bowl, considering I support the teams that are the most entertaining, which often leads to their having high quality. So I often have some sort of personal stake in the game.
Ironically, however, neither of these teams is the team I would have wanted to win. The Giants, to me, are that guy in your Sociology class who makes pretty good points, and gets generally good grades, but for some reason causes you to want to punch him in the face whenever he speaks. Is it the sound of his voice? Potentially. Is it what he wears? Maybe a little. But more than anything else just that he has one of those punchable faces.
I guess I'm one of the few that will be mildly rooting for the Patriots. I doubt anybody will want to high five and yell “WOOHOO, I guess. Where are the Yankees this year?” with me.
From: Nathan Degraaf
To: Xavier Holland
I too, have been avoiding all of the hype. Though E-ticket on ESPN.com does have one great article about Ernie Adams, who is apparently Belichick's personal idiot savant. That one was kind of cool.
Not one representative from FOX or CBS picked the Giants to win one game in the playoffs. Not one guy for even one game. I think that is like four hundred different levels of awesome. I haven't picked them to win once and they won every time… so guess who I'm picking?
I want the Patriots to lose, but not just lose… I want them to lose one of two ways: spirit crushing last-second comeback by the Giants or total blowout.
I didn't get the Friday before the Super Bowl off back in grade school. I just walked home after I got off all amped up. My dad would make this special Super Bowl chili that he made with actual freaking marinated steak. The food preparation for the Super Bowl took two days and I was actually involved. Mom spends a week or more on Christmas, but oddly never asks me for my help with the cookie baking. Probably for the best.
What the hell was I talking about again?
Oh yeah, the Super Bowl hype. Hate it or love it, at least it's something. After this week, we get the sports lull. During the sports lull, we have to watch hockey and basketball. Fortunately for me, I've got a girlfriend this time around. Maybe I'll do some shopping or discover hidden sensitivities or… wait a minute… I know what I can do. I can finally finish my fucking book.
How's life in Cali? What you up to? You and Willen ever hang out over there?
A female friend of mine made the coolest New Year's resolution. She vowed never to purchase fur or animal hide for clothing anymore. Of course, she lives in Tampa so this basically means she can't wear leather shoes but whatever.
You have any favorite super bowl foods, memories, drugs, drinks, crack whores or commercials?
You ever consider spelunking? Seems like the most boring adventurous thing people can do.
I miss The Office. This writer's strike sucks.
From: Xavier Holland
To: Nathan Degraaf
I didn't even want to pick the Giants to win. I just assumed the Packers would lose. It was the lesser of two suckitudes. And a kicker almost ruined it for me.
Marinated steak sounds delicious. And you definitely should learn how (read: get a woman who knows how) to make cookies. You get so many cookies. And they're freshly baked. If you eat two dozen fresh bakery cookies, you're a lazy fatass. If you eat two dozen you made yourself, you're just a test-savvy baker. Another good thing to do is to have appetizers for dinner. Appetizers are even more awesome when you don't have to worry about filling up on them. I can put away a whole heap of buffalo wings.
Basketball is actually my number one sport, so I'm pretty well covered on the lull. Except for the fucking Knicks. I'm just waiting for Congress to pass some sort of resolution requiring the Knicks to fire Isiah. If Ron Paul based his platform on firing Isaiah, he would immediately skyrocket from intriguing dark horse to front-runner. Guaranteed to win New York.
I actually was like 5 minutes away from Willen, probably, but I didn't have a way of getting in touch with him. My phone is acting as if it wants to engage in sexual relations with phones of similar output mechanisms, if you know what I mean.
Cuz I sure don't.
I guess if I were to have a resolution, it would be to actually do some of the ridiculous things I claim. Like my vegan/non-vegan week. Basically, it consists of having a vegan day, followed by a day where you only eat non-vegan products, followed by a vegan day and so forth. Surprisingly, it's way more comfortable to be a vegan than essentially a carnivore. The best part is that nobody wins when you do this.
I've thought that if it came down to it, I would probably bang Britney Spears. Does that count as spelunking?
I hate to say it, but I was a pretty big fan of the Budweiser frogs: “They gave the ferret a teleprompter!!”
Food-wise, wings. Wings and wings and wings. Then some chips and dip. Then more wings. Then a wing shake, followed by a shot of buffalo sauce. Then a nap, where I will dream about wings.
The Writer's Strike does suck. The worst part is, it seems like they might lose.
From: Nathan Degraaf
To: Xavier Holland
I haven't eaten a cookie since September. I kind of remember what they taste like.
I never thought about appetizers like that. The 29th was my girl's birthday and we went out and during the appetizer course I was thinking, “Shit, I better not fill up on these.” After reading your take I realize that this is how we all think about appetizers. That means there is actual stress associated with them. I wonder what it would be like to have a stress-free appetizer experience.
You're a weird guy.
Seriously, how in the fuck does Isaiah keep his job? Consecutive failures, losing seasons, mismanaging the cap, sexual harassment lawsuits, the destruction of an entire Canadian league? I mean, Zeke was a hell of a player but at some point Knicks management would have to realize that they're sinking one of the most notable franchises in the history of the NBA.
I have two problems with basketball: too many teams make the playoffs (like hockey) so I don't start focusing on it until the playoffs (same with hockey); also I'm from Tampa by way of St. Louis which means I lived in two cities that have no basketball teams. And I ain't rooting for the magic because they're in Orlando and I hate Orlando, same with the Bulls… I guess I could root for the Heat (what's that? They're 9-33! Fuck that).
Banging Brittney Spears would be way more adventurous than Spelunking. It would be like spelunking into a bitch who may go crazy at any moment, cover you in chocolate and try to eat you.
Wings kick ass. I miss wings. I can eat chicken but only if there's no skin on it. And fucking Lila can eat whatever she wants and not gain weight. She literally eats 300 fat grams a day and she's about 5'5 100 pounds. Women fucking hate her. I'm starting to understand why.
I like how they're doing all kinds of crazy shit with wings. It's like, “I'll have the garlic covered teriyaki buttered barbecued glucose wings with a side of mulberry sauce.” I have a weird feeling that wings are gonna go the way coffee did back in the day: just too many fucking choices.
So umm, I'm picking the Patriots but I want the Giants to win.
Consistency is my middle name.
Seriously though, what could the Giants do to beat the Patriots? I think Voodoo has to come into play somewhere here.
Your thoughts?
From: Xavier Holland
To: Nathan Degraaf
I'm also getting into dumplings these days. Definitely underrated. We used to have dumpling sales in high school, and I'm starting to realize how awesome that was. Fried pork at 9:30 AM? Yes sir.
You know what else causes me stress? When I'm at a place that serves big portions, and I've got a good amount left, enough definitely to take home, but I'm still a bit hungry. Now, if I eat until I'm full, I forfeit my right to bring any home. But it feels dumb to go to a restaurant and leave hungry. This is why I eat mostly at Taco Bell.
My only theory on the Knick thing is that Dolan thinks he's too far in. Have you ever told a little lie that just spun completely out of control? Like, you stopped off to get food even though you knew your girl was cooking?
“Why are you so late getting home?”
“Oh, you know, traffic was pretty bad”
“I though you left your car here this morning and biked to work”
“Yeah, but there was a big bike race so I kinda got caught up.”
“A bike race? I didn't hear about a bike race?”
“Yeah, it was an impromptu race. I won a medal, but it fell on the way home.”
“You're late because you got caught up in a secret bike race on the way home?”
“You don't trust me?”
Anyway, that somehow relates to the Knicks.
I know I'm not the first to say this, but it definitely seems like every single college basketball game is close at the end. With the exception of like, North Carolina playing Our Lady Of St. Sherry's Girls Middle School, every game somehow comes down to the last possession. It's like when you're playing a video game and you mysteriously start missing open dunks and whatnot.
I think the whole chocolate thing is how I would nab Brittney. I'm pretty sure I could convince Brittney Spears I was made of chocolate. I wouldn't even have to do anything. She probably thinks that anyway. She probably thinks that slavery was some sort of Willy Wonka funhouse where chocolate people did all the work.
Yeah, I'm not big on all that. Give me a saucy, spicy wing and I'm happy. Give me fifteen and I'm delighted.
If the Giants are going to win, their defense is going to have to score, or at least give them great field position. Eli hasn't shown a great ability to take over a big game, but he's becoming a decent game manager. Still though, I have this at a robust 31-14 Patriots.
From: Nathan Degraaf
To: Xavier Holland
The Dolan lie story kind of makes sense, only you'd have to get caught in the same fictional bike race about a hundred times since 2001. Fucking ridiculous.
Do you realize that no NY team has won a championship in anything since the day that Mo Lewis knocked out Drew Bledsoe and led to the beginning of the Tom Brady era? Mo Lewis is responsible for the failures of the Knicks/Giants/Jets/Yankees/Mets/Nets/Devils/Rangers. If I were you, I'd go find Mo and kick his ass. If I were me, Mo would probably beat me up.
Do you know that Mikey Faerber has written more in the PIC group emails than he has written on PIC over the course of the last six months? I can't decide if he's retired or just waiting for the right moment to come back.
I have not had a dumpling in years.
I never take food home anymore. After I got a real job, I made a list of things I would never do again as long as I was gainfully employed. I will never:
–take food home in a box from a restaurant.
–have a roommate
–drink shitty beer (Court always tries to get me to drink PBR and Black Label. He is an evil, evil editor)
–buy a car from a person I'm not related to
–cut a coupon.
It's a short list and it's also indicative of what a soulless bastard I am. But whatever.
Coughlin can't outsmart Belichick. We need a Tom Brady injury. And why not get one? After all, Strahan's at the end of his career. What does he care if he goes out as a cheap shot artist? He's already got millions.
You probably don't gain weight easy either, do you?
From: Xavier Holland
To: Nathan Degraaf
There's also the possibility that Dolan just simply doesn't care at all.
I guess the only decent thing to come out of the whole Mo Lewis thing is tonyhomo.com. Yeah. That's what's keeping me from kicking his ass. A website.
Still, this run hasn't been too bad. The Yankees were in the series in '01, '04 (well, basically) and '06. The Nets made it too the finals, and the Devils had good success. The Knicks managed not to be eaten by sharks. I'd qualify that as a decent run.
What is Mikey doing these days? Does he predate you on PIC?
Why do you only buy cars from relatives? I'm confused. I also admit to not being able to taste much of a difference between moderately shitty and moderately good beer, so I kind of drink whatever's available. I guess my beer of choice is Corona, but that's really only so I'll have a beer of choice.
I think Tom Brady is due for some bad luck. I don't think it'll take a cheap shot, if it happens. It'll be something random, like a bad cut, or a broken finger, or a rampaging puma released onto the field at just the right moment.
I don't gain weight at all, pretty much. I also don't eat all that much. I just eat kind of randomly, which is sometimes food that's awful for you, and sometimes food that's good for you. The one thing I refuse to do is to eat healthy alternatives if I have the option. I go out of my way to avoid “lean” or “less calories”.
But yeah, I'm 6'3 and my weight fluctuates between 150 and 160. I have a ways to go before fat.
From: Nathan Degraaf
To: Xavier Holland
Imagine owning an NBA team and not caring about it. I'd love to be that rich.
Tonyhomo.com was one of the funniest sites ever written. Stoner Chick (Claire) once told me that she would fuck Amir Blumenfield based on that alone. Her exact words: “I'll bet he's even funny in bed.” I don't even want to know what that means.
Mikey predates me on PIC. I think he was the one chosen right before me. I've met him and you can't find a nicer guy. At the same time he is very self-effacing. Put him and Court together and you're basically trapped in a wordplay experience that is more challenging (for me) than funny. Wit wise, I can't keep up with Faerber (or Sully for that matter) but I make up for that by being quick on my feet and great with relatively normal (read: boring) people. I don't know what he's up to but he and my brother live in the same town. I like to think that they've met and don't know they have me in common.
I buy cars only from dealers or relatives. Never random ads in the paper.
I read that Brady is going bald and it actually made me happy. I am an asshole.
I'm 5'10 170. So yeah, you don't gain weight. Probably an ectomorph.
Xavier Holland and Nathan DeGraaf exchanged emails during the course of the NFL playoffs and up to the Super Bowl.
Few people noticed.