How to Be a Drug Dealer

Nathan: This dude who’s more arrogant than me told me to write about drug dealing.
Frank: Wait a minute. There’s someone more arrogant than you?

Before you even think about getting into the drug business with someone (or selling them a decent amount), you need to know everything possible about them by doing a deep search on them. We're talking finding out sensitive info like background checks, police records, social media secrets, public records, etc. That will cover all the bases that simple Google searching can't do:

Every person on planet Earth (and there are no exceptions), at some point in time, has wanted to be a drug dealer. Let’s face it, it’s a great gig. Drug dealers are their own bosses, they work their own hours, and they make decent coin. I mean really, how can you beat that gig? You can’t, dammit. You just can’t.

So, because back in the day, before I turned eighteen and after I hit puberty, I may have fractured an occasional law or three when it came to the dispensing of illegal narcotics, I can tell you honestly how to get into the lucrative career that is drug dealing. Sing it with me now, “I’m here to help.” I’m making the world a better place, one column at a time. It takes a village and all that.

A Drug Dealer's Checklist

Find a lawyer as soon as possible.
Run a background check on anyone you do business with.
Raise $500+ cash for initial supply.
Get a reliable cell phone.
Secure your stash at all times.
Safeguard your privacy/identity.
Apply for health insurance, aka “fight protection.”

Step 1: Locate your Clientele

If you attend high school or college, and you can’t locate your clientele, you either live in the most backwater place imaginable or you are a total moron, and I am honestly surprised you can read.

If you do not attend college or high school, my advice to you is to find the nearest college or high school and keep your ears open. Eventually, you will hear kids talking about this one guy they know (and yes, it’s usually a guy) who does more drugs than anyone they’ve ever seen. After you hear this name a few hundred times, you can be dead sure that you’ve found your new friend for life. But always run a background check on him to avoid tangling yourself up in any trouble. Then find this guy and hang out. I guarantee you, he’ll be fun to party with, and he’ll be the key to getting into the softer side of the business (selling at schools, parties, friends’ houses, etc).

Please do not go out to bars or rougher parts of town and try to sell anything. You’ve got a lot to learn before you can get there.

Also, please note: Primal Urges is not responsible. For anything. Ever.

Step 2: Buy and Use

To become a successful drug dealer, you must first become a successful drug purchaser. Purchase and use as many drugs as you can find. Once your name becomes synonymous with drug use, people will begin approaching you and asking you to share the wealth.

At this point, you can go back to your supplier and have him or her (but I mean, come on, it’s almost always a him) provide you with more drugs at a discounted price. You don’t need a roadmap from there.

Step 3: Buy a Safe

Not just any safe—a big, heavy sucker that no stoner could possibly move. Throw everything of value into that safe. Dealers get robbed. A lot.

Now, after you have followed these steps, you should have no problem selling drugs to any human. However, there are still some rules you need to keep in mind. As I have said on more occasions than I can count (mainly because I can’t do math) over the last few years, you gotta have rules.

The Top 10 Rules to Being a Drug Dealer

10. When introduced to a new client, never admit to having any drugs on you.

You have to always, “go get it from your friend.” You do this so that no one starts spreading rumors that you walk around with drugs on you. People who walk around with mass quantities of drugs on them get beaten and robbed. Shocking, I know.

9. When purchasing large amounts of drugs, you must make sure that the purchase takes place in the dealer’s home.

You do this so that everyone knows that you know where to go if you get stiffed. Basically, it’s just good to know where the guy (or girl) to whom you just paid ten grand happens to live. It's also good to know everything you can about your supplier (beyond just Googling), so run a detailed background check on him before making the buy (as we mentioned earlier).

8. When purchasing large amounts of drugs from a dealer’s home, show some tact and respect your dealer’s privacy.

Do not ask the dealer where he or she is from, or what his or her favorite hobbies are or anything like that. One of the reasons that movies and television always depict dealers and thieves having funny conversations about odd topics is because that’s all they can really talk about. They talk about TV, sports, the way the government fucks them over and where to get good food. They almost never talk about themselves. So don’t ask. You’ll only make them feel uncomfortable.

7. Know how to fight.

Or know a lot of people who do. (If you're going to carry a weapon, at least read my guide on “How to Get Away with Murder“. You never know…)

6. Never front anything to anyone for any reason unless you would trust them to watch your house for an entire week.

I’m serious here. I mean, if you’re gonna front something to someone, you better wish you were related to that person. He or she better be the best person in the world.

5. Don’t drink much.

This is not a job for drunks. Drunks are sloppy.

4. If you get high off your product, make sure you’re only smoking profit.

Everyone knows this. Few people do it. Kinda like how people used to treat seatbelts back in the ‘60s. And we all know how important seatbelts turned out to be.

3. Don’t get pets and little kids high.

This one really isn’t a rule for dealers, so much as it is just an opinion of mine that needs to be voiced. Leave the animals and children alone. Trust me, they don’t need to be any dumber.

2. If ever arrested, don’t say a thing until advised by a lawyer.

And never rat. There is nothing worse than a rat.

1. Don’t get a boyfriend/girlfriend who is a total druggie.

Not only will you never know if you can trust or love him or her, you also will be losing money when he or she steals products from you. It’s a lose-lose relationship. Kinda like the US in the World Cup.

Drug dealing is a great profession, but like all great professions, there are more applicants than successful professionals. If you really want to make money as a drug dealer, you can do it. But you must follow the rules. Remember, the rules exist for your benefit. Now, I hate to sound all condescending and preachy but folks, you just gotta respect the rules.

Especially if you want to be a drug dealer.

What you should do now: