One of the greatest things about a new year is looking ahead to all the films that are going to be released over the next twelve months. Unfortunately, for every awe-inspiring blockbuster or hard-hitting drama we fall in love with, there is always going to be an obnoxious remake, or, God forbid, another film where Adam Sandler plays his own twin sister.
Here is a list of the big films coming our way in 2012 and what to expect.
The Amazing Spider-Man
Nerd gets bitten by a spider and goes on to a successful career of punching people in the face. Yes, you did just see this movie a couple of years ago.
Pros: A change in cast has already led to a 100% decrease in Tobey Maguire, and will hopefully also lead to a significant reduction in screen time dedicated to Aunt May crying while making another speech about what it "really" means to be a hero.
Cons: The villain is being played by the masturbating Welshman from Notting Hill.
American Reunion
Thirteen years ago an ugly man had sex with an apple pie. Two sequels and a bunch of shit-to-DVD spinoffs later, here we are.
Pros: There has been a serious lack of "man has sex with inanimate objects" movies released lately (at least outside that very special aisle in my local video store).
Cons: The original American Pie is very much a product of its time; a time when Blink 182 was awesome, Jason Biggs was a rising star, and men could have sex with Tara Reid without needing to spend two weeks in an anti-contamination unit afterwards. The times they be a changed.
The Avengers
Earth's mightiest heroes unite to… well, I'm not exactly sure what they will be doing, but a lot of stuff will probably explode (the Hulk's incredible pants being the obvious exception).
Pros: Director Joss Whedon is an expert when it comes to handling gorram big ensemble casts, a skill that will be the key to getting the best out of this property, and ensuring that none of its famous characters get lost in the background ("Dammit Hulk, I said two steps to the left!").
Cons: The 10-year-old comic geek inside of you may cause you to jizz your pants before the trailers have even finished.
Battleship
The highly anticipated adaptation of the board game where you stick red or white pegs into plastic ships. Because, y'know, making a movie about Halo would have been too obvious.
Pros: Taylor Kitsch has been perfectly cast as white peg number 48. At some stage, you may get to hear Liam Neeson shout out, "You just sunk my battleship!" while trying not to willfully spontaneously combust in front of the camera
Cons: The hype surrounding the upcoming Tic-Tac-Toe and Tiddlywinks 4: The Revenge movies may overshadow it.
The Dark Knight Rises
Batman is back to kick Bane's ass and get freaky with Catwoman in the last entry into Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy. Rubber nipples need not apply.
Pros: Is the sequel to one of the greatest superhero movies ever made. Plus, still no Robin.
Cons: Early reports have suggested that there have been some difficulties understanding Tom Hardy's lines as Bane due to the character's face mask. There have also been rumors of a small boy in a multicolor costume following Batman around on the set screaming, "Bruce, why don't you love me anymore?!"
Dark Shadows
Tim Burton makes a movie starring his wife and his best friend, who both dress up in Victorian-era clothes and do up their faces in over-the-top faux-gothic make-up. One of the few big movies this year that isn't actually a sequel (but really really really really really fucking feels like it).
Pros: If it ain't broke don't fix it, right?
Cons: Burton's last movie Alice in Wonderland was more broke than a foreclosed Baghdad whorehouse with a termite problem.
Django Unchained
With the help of his mentor, a slave (Jamie Foxx) sets out to rescue his wife from a brutal Mississippi plantation owner (Leonardo DiCaprio). Quentin Tarantino directs/plagiarizes.
Pros: Regardless of how it turns out, a Tarantino film always offers a welcome break from bloated Hollywood blockbusters and movies about emo teenagers having sex with sparkly dead people.
Cons: Close-ups of feet, inane pop culture references, and the occasional nagging feeling that you are essentially watching two and a half hours of Quentin Tarantino jerking off in your face.
The Expendables 2
Sylvester Stallone and a lot of other large men who suffer from severe back-acne regroup to blow more shit up.
Pros: Right now you are either pencilling this one into your calendar or keeping the weekend free to attend the national seminar on vaginal waxing.
Cons: Jason Statham might feel the need to fit more freestyle poetry into the film.
G.I Joe: Retaliation
The toy soldiers you loved as a kid/hopelessly unemployed young adult are back, this time with The Rock and his "people's eyebrow" as part of their posse.
Pros: Stephen Sommers isn't directing this time, meaning that the film won't look like a Nintendo 64 game that has just been gangbanged in a military supply room. As an added bonus, Cobra Commando also gets his proper mask back. Yessssssssss…….
Cons: Still no Sergeant Slaughter.
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
After finally coming to the decision that yes, they do enjoy making retardedly large amounts of money, New Line Cinema finally feeds our Tolkien-lust and gives us the story we have all been waiting for. Get ready for dragons, trolls, bear-men (um, not that type), and at least twice as many dwarves as any Snow White film can rustle up.
Pros: Is a prequel to one of the most loved film franchises of all time. How could that possibly go wrong?
Cons: "Hi there, PJ? It's George here. Listen, I just had a really great idea for The Hobbit movies! What about if instead of setting out with a wizard and a bunch of dwarves, Bilbo has a wacky alien sidekick…."
John Carter
After almost 100 years in development hell, one of sci-fi's original heroes finally gets the big-screen treatment. The man who made you cry over an automated garbage disposal unit in WALL-E directs.
Pros: Without the John Carter stories there never would have been a Star Wars. Think about that time you guilt-tripped your girlfriend into wearing the Leila slave outfit for you.
Cons: May struggle to find an audience among the year's other blockbusters, especially in the face of Disney's dire marketing efforts, which have already caused the film to change its official title twice. Scenes where John Carter enjoys a can of delicious New Coke have also had to be hastily removed.
Lincoln
Steven Spielberg brings us the story of one of America's greatest presidents. May or may not include the part where he single-handedly fights off a group of blood-thirsty vampires.
Pros: Daniel Day-Lewis will almost certainly gain Oscar buzz for his role as Honest Abe, and for a very brief period it will be socially acceptable to wear stove-pipe hats in public again.
Cons: But seriously….what if there aren't any vampires?
Men in Black 3
Will Smith realizes he needs more money to buy films for his son to star in. We get a sequel. And probably a white person-friendly rap song.
Pros: Frank the pug. Frank the muthafuckin' pug!
Cons: Is the sequel to a film that a) came out ten years ago and, b) was about as fun as an anal probe from an alien with cold hands. Seriously, Will, can't your kids just get crappy soul-crushing summer jobs like everyone else?
Prometheus
After a long hiatus Ridley Scott finally returns to the world of sci-fi, bringing us a story about mankind's origins that may/may not/obviously fucking will tie in with his original Alien movie.
Pros: Trailers for the film suggest a dark, intelligent, large-scale sci-fi film, the likes of which we haven't seen at the movies for a number of years. Charlize Theron's boobs may also make a cameo appearance.
Cons: After a series of lackluster sequels and rubbish spinoffs, the Alien brand is more tainted than Michael Fassbender's wang in the movie Shame. Here's hoping for a return to form (or, failing that, at least a return from Jonesy the cat).
Snow White and the Huntsman
After the commercial success of Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland (a mystery of Lindbergh Baby proportions), Universal has decided to turn yet another petticoat-wearing princess into a medieval action hero, this time teaming her up with Thor and all the dwarves that didn't meet Peter Jackson's strict height requirements.
Pros: The debut trailer surprised everyone, mostly by not being a total bomb that shat in the mouth of followers of the beloved source material (that honor went to Mirror, Mirror).
Cons: Kristen Stewart will be playing the fairest of them all, presumably while biting her lip to convey the unfathomable inner turmoil that is sweeping through her character. You really ballsed it up this time, Magic Mirror.
Skyfall (James Bond)
Bond. James Bond. Not Bourne; Bond. Also not to be confused with the medieval RPG game that you have been playing on your PS3 for the last 137 hours.
Pros: After the relative disappointment of Quantum of Solace, Skyfall promises to be a return to form for everyone's favorite super-spy. Ms. Moneypenny also returns this time to act as Bond's partner in verbal sparring/target of workplace sexual harassment.
Cons: There is always a chance that James Bond may use alligators as stepping stones, cook a vegetarian quiche, drive an invisible car, or be George Lazenby.
Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2
All good things come to an end. So does Twilight. My knowledge about this film is somewhat sketchy, but if Wikipedia is to be believed it focuses upon Edward and Bella waiting for a giant vampire battle that never happens whilst a pedophilic werewolf falls in love with their newborn daughter.
Pros: Do you know a surly 14-year-old girl that you want to impress? This is the flick to take her to.
Cons: She may ask you to watch the four previous films on DVD with her or paint yourself from head-to-toe in body glitter. Surely there are easier ways to get a handjob in the back row of a movie theater….
Star Wars: The Phantom Menace 3D
A long long time ago, in a galaxy far far away….George Lucas began raping your childhood, one midichlorian at a time. Now in 3D!
Pros: It has been over ten years. You've worked through the disappointment, consoled yourself with the fan edits and watching The Empire Strikes Back on a continuous loop, and have finally come to grips with your pain. Everything is going to be okay. After all, it is just a movie. Right?
Cons: Mesa hate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!